James Bond 007 in: Spies Never Die
by Captain Kail
Summary: What happens when James Bond is crossed with Spaceballs, SA2, some Internet wakos and a nutty author? Read(and review) to find out!


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beginning exciting thing that happens before the main story.

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MOSCOW-RUSSIA 2000 hours. CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION

"Soon the world will shudder at the sound of my name" 

A dark alleyway, 1 guard patrols it. "Honestly, can't that guy come up with a more creative intro?" Said John Kail, accompanied by James Bond. "Are you ready, 005?" "as I will ever be." Said Kail. Bond then took aim at the lone guard, and took him out with his silenced D5K Deustch. They then proceeded to enter the base. "sweet Jesus! there must be 40 nuclear war-heads in here!" Exclaimed Kail. They then went down the metal stair case to begin disarming. (don't ask me how, they just can) When they finished. "So It will be safe to blow this thing sky high once we are done?" Queried Bond. "yep" was Kail's simple answer. Kail then palced a timed bomb on one nuke. "Timer set at 10:00" Said Kail. Whence they finished disabling thy weaponry, they hath talked about Successful Mission.

(that writer is starting bug me)thought Kail. 

"How Dare thou Insuteth meith! Now youth PAY!!!!" Said a voice. Bond just stared blankly. "riiiggghhht" Said kail like Dr. Evil. Just then European Sirens wailed through the corridors. Kail raised an eyebrow, then, realizing what this all meant, pulled out his ak-47s 

"lets Get Out of Here!" They ran for the nearest door when several Guards poured in the back. Hold them off while I unlock the door!" Said Bond. 005 Then let out a barrage of bullets, several hitting guards in the face. He then shot one of the dismantled nukes, letting out an explosion that wiped out all the guards nearby. FOOOM! one bullet grazed Bond's ear. 

"shit!" cursed 007. "open!!" exclaimed Bond, whipping out his weapon. "Take this!" shouted Bond, hurling a Grenade at the enemies. The duo Ran to the Sleek BMW Z8. "hurry and drive John, we have one minuet left!" 

Kail then hit the accelerator and Drove off at top speed. "Sir you need to leave now!" said one guard to a figure in the darkness. 

Back in the main room. "Ugh, wha... what happened? oh yea! the intruder!" Said one guard. beep beep beep! he turns around to see the countdown at 10 seconds. "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2... shit."

BOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

Now hum "Nobody does it better" to yourself while you read the credits.

Captain Kail Proudly Presents:

Ian Fleming's

James Bond 007 IN:

SPIES NEVER DIE

Starring

Pierce Brosnan as 

James Bond.

Captain Kail as 

John Kail.

Izabella Scorupio as Natalia

KANG as himself

Kain as

Kane.

Featuring: Tobius as Carrey Wacca

Judi Dench as

"M"

Desmond Lleweland as

"Q"

Samantha Bond as

Miss Moneypenny.

MI6 Headquarters, London. 1530 Hours. **_Day One_**.

James Bond Waited Patiently in the lobby of MI6, hoping for an exciting assignment. Especially one involving a beautiful woman. "Bond," Said moneypenny, "M will see you now." Inside M's office. "Bond, good job on the Moscow Assignment, but now we have a huge problem." M explained.

"we have just received word that a group of fanatics calling themselves 'the Brotherhood of Nod', they claim that they have a laser powerful enough to wipe out the planet." M continued. "If they aren't given complete control of the planet in 48 hours, they say they will, destroy the planet." She finished. "that is all." Now it was Bond's turn to speak. "That's Bloody all?!" "M!! Look on the telly, Quick!" Shouted Moneypenny. [CLICK} "...ears, and listen to me very carefully!" Said a man on the screen. "what is this? he is on every channel!" Said Kail, who had just entered the room. "My name is Kane, leader of the brotherhood of Nod, and soon, the world! Now witness the beginning of the end!" Said Kane. Kail looked out the window, Joined by M and James. A bright flash is seen followed by a loud explosion, when the light dimmed, the moon was missing from the sky! "holy Cheese And Onion Gravy!" Said Kail. They then looked at the TV and saw a timer counting down from 48 Hours. "Bond! We haven't much time! you must find this man, kill him, and destroy his laser." Said M. Another loud explosion is heard, and then gunfire. "we are under Attack!" squealed M. "007, you hold the intruders off, I will..." Started Kail, "...Protect M!" good idea! Bond will never suspect it now. thought Kail. Bond ran out into the Hallway, and shot several intruders in the chest.

"AAAHHHHGHHG.... (Gurgle)" Bond ran into another office to find non other than Q! "007, take this grenade pen, you may need it!" He said. "thanks Q, you know what they say." Bond started. "the pen is mightier than the sword! I know! I know!" Bond darted back out into the hall and took out some more terrorists. [FWOOSH!] A dart flew into 007 neck. "oh no, not again..." he fell to the ground hard. the last thing he saw was several of the masked figures gather around him. "Kane will be pleased..."

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END OF CHAPTER 1.

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CHAPTER 2: THE MYSTERY OF KANE

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HIDDEN BASE-RUSSIAN/KAZAKHSTAN BORDER

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Proton Decelerator Countdown: 42 HOURS 

Bond awoke in a dark & damp room. 2 guards patrolled the hallway around his cell. ugh, my head! fells like I have been..Oh yea! where am I? 

"good, your awake." said one guard. "Kane will teach you a very painful lesson mister Bond." Kane? Isn't he the one that ransomed the planet? Pondered James. "hey yu!" Said guard 2. "Kane will see you now."

007 was escorted through the long corridors. he finally arrived at a door. They entered the room. very loud music was heard, along with some annoying singing. "WAR...HUU...YEA! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY... NOTHING! OHH YEA!!" Bond did his trademark eyebrow raise, then gave a small grin. Kane turned around first with an embarrassed expression, which quickly went to infuriated. "How DARE you enter unannounced! DIE!" Kane then pulled out a pistol and shot the guard that opened the door. "now sit." When Bond finally saw Kane's face, he was horrified! "what the Hell happened to your FACE?!" squealed 007. "you did this to me! when you destroyed that warhead facility, I was unable to escape the blast radius." Yelled Kane. "But now, I will take great pleasure in returning the favor." Kane pointed his pistol at James, with a grin on his face. "Do you expect me to talk, Kane?" Kane replied "No Mr. Bond" he cocks the gun, "I fully expect you to die!" suddenly, the all-to-familiar sound of gunshots was heard. Bond heard one person shout "blow the doors!" that shout came from his buddy, John Kail. [KAPPOOWWEE] the door was blown open and a hail of bullets flew through the burning hole. "Secure the area! NOW !" The guards stationed in this room fell to the floor, dead or severally Wounded. "You will never take me alive!" said Kane. "But first I will leave you a going away present!" Kane fell through a trap door in the floor. YOU BOYS HAD BETTER GET OUT OF HERE! KANE HAS LEFT A BOMB SET TO BLOW IN 5 MINUTES!" Said the author (GOD). "thank you?" Said Kail. "lets just get out of here! The Group ran back out the smoldering hole. when they reached the exit, a woman called out to them. Wait! I can help you stop Kane!" she shouted. "okay! Stand back!" Bond started to cut the bars with his wrist watch when Kail approached and opened the door. "I found these keys

on the floor." Kail pointed out. they then rushed out of the complex, guns a' blazin' as they darted to the Lotus Esprit. 

"I'll drive!" shouted Kail. They then sped off away from the base.

Inside the base. "10 seconds until detonation. 6...5...4...3...2...1...Have a nice day." Said a computerized voice inside the complex. "thank you?" said a puzzled guard. 

KABLOOY!! 

The shock wave plowed right into the car and rippled on past it. "ahhhhh!!!!!" screamed the woman. The car made an 180 degree turn fliped over and landed in the river below. Kail then hit a button on the console and the car transformed into it's amphibious state. "wwaaaahhhh! we are going to drown!" wined the woman. "don't worry, we'll be fine." said Kail.

"Why aren't we dead? is this an amphicar?" asked the woman. (FYI: Amphicars are German cars produced back in the late 1960's, they could

drive on land and sea.) "Nope, we just had a few optional extras installed."

Said Kail. "Now, first things first," Said bond to the woman. "Who are You?"

End of Chapter 2

Chapter 3: Enter Natalia.

a River in Kazakhstan. **Proton Decelerator Countdown:** 41 Hours, 23 Minutes.

"My name is Natalia Romarov, I was a technician, working for Kane. I was blind to the reality of his project until he blew up the moon. I tried to rebel, but i was caught and thrown in that jail cell you rescued me from.

I want to help you bring down Kane, I have some of his access codes.

Now tell me, who are you?" Bond spoke up first. " my name is James Bond, and this is my partner, John Kail. We are both spies for the British government." "Now lets get out of here, I have a date with th-" Kail was cut off by a distant explosion, he peeked out the window, only to see 4 motor boats launching mortars. "What is it John?" asked Bond. "I think it's time to go!" Kail then pounded on the accelerator, pushing the poor Lotus harder than it likes. Natalia Continued. "I also did some part time spying, and stole the blue prints for this car 3 years ago" As she said this, Natalia reached forward and flipped the fourth 'hazard' switch, causing a torpedo to shoot out the back. Kail looked back at Bond, grinned for a second, and resumed driving.

Then the torpedo impacted on one of the boats. sending torrents of water and flaming bodies into the air. Then one boat came up along side the Lotus, 

Bond peaked out the window, did a Roger Moore type smile, and pointed 

forward. The Gruff Russian barely saw the tree before exploding along with the boat. "Smashing exit, eh?" Quipped Bond. By now Kail had lost the other 

two boats in this winding river. Now the River was widening and up ahead,

there was a road block,(or should I say river block?) consisting of 3 more boats, an old Soviet tank, 20 guards armed with AK-47s, and some conveniently placed oil and diesel drums, scattered about the bridge.

"I think it is time we took care of our little friends." said Kail, pressing 

a green button in the arm rest switch board. The moon roof pops up,then 

everything slows down to a trickle, the tank and Lotus fired there weapons at the same time, the tank shell explodes directly behind the lotus, and the missiles ignite the explosive drums. The trunk of the car filled with water,

and the car began to sink to a murky grave. "Oh God!! Were going to drown!! AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Screeched Natalia, deafening Bond. "John, Hey!"

Unfortunately, he, due to his immense fear of drowning, is totally out of it, like a school child who just had a seizure, coupled by a heat stroke. "swing low...sweat josefinnneeee....AAAHHHH!!" Bond sighs, realizing it's up to him to rescue everybody. "We must either, A, pray the water stops flooding, 

B, get out of here, or C, give up all hope." Natalia hasn't experienced this much trauma since the waterdoor scandal, but I won't start discussing that.

Then Bond remembers! 'Q' installed an ejector seat! "Oh natalia...

I have an escape route!" after explaining this to her, she is reluctant, but it beats dying, right? Bond got in the front seat and put Natalia in is lap, smacked Kail out of it, and pressed the little red button. They exhaled al the way up to avoid getting the bends. "Ah, oh...man," started Bond, "I rather liked that car."

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END OF CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4: Secrets Revealed

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Mi6 Headquarters Proton Decelerator COUNTDOWN: ** 37 HOURS, 45 MINUTES.**

Bond and Kail, flanked by Natalia, entered the doors of Mi6, the janitors were on strike, so the mess from the attack several hours earlier still remained. Blood and bullet holes were so common on these walls you would 

think it was stinky wallpaper. When the trio passed the hospital wing, horrendous screaming could be heard, along with the smell. Ohhh...the smell.

It was like rotten eggs, sweaty men, and shit that was baking on the side walk 

for a long time, all mixed into one saucer of stench. By the time they reached M's office, they had tears in their eyes. Not from the depressing atmosphere,

but from the stench. "Ah,007, 005, stranger," M began, "I am glad your back." She then eyed Natalia, then gave Bond a suspicious look. She then looked at John, and chuckled to herself. Now Bond, wanting to break the silence spoke up. "Uh...M, this is Natalia, She wants to help us stop Kane,

She has vital information for stopping him. Natalia sat up, and began her story. "I used to be a programmer for Kane I didn't realize the..." 25 minutes later. "...and he plans to destroy the earth if they don't give in. He is prepared

to flee to his moon base where his Proton Decelerator is." Now M spoke up.

"His what?" Natalia sighed. "It is a laser in laymen's terms, but what it does is much more sinister. It causes the charged particles in atoms to lose their power, causing the atom to fall apart.(this is NOT a rip of Pdark) The atom eventually swallows itself on the inside-to-out, causing it to disintegrate."

Kail was shocked. "so that's how it works, I new that." Now M, feeling the gravity of the situation, speaks up. "Bond, Kail, Natalia. You have another recruit. He has recently left Germany, and has expert training in the worst possible weapon you can think of." Bond's eyes widened "the Klobb??!! That 

weapon is impossible to operate! He must have the power of the Schwartz!" 

(that is from the old spoof, 'Spaceballs' I love that Movie.) M had no idea what Bond was saying, because she got off of the Modern Express in 1974.

"Bond, With him on your team, besides not being able to fit into your ridiculously small cars with all 4 of you, you will be undefeatable."

Kail is very curious now. "Well, who is he?" M looked at each of them. 

"His name is KANG, Michael KANG."

END OF CHAPTER 4!

CHAPTER 5: A NEW THREAT

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Proton Decelerator countdown: 37 hours, 15 minutes

"I called you here, because we have a, uh, rather large problem."

Began Kane. "One of our treacherous programmers, Natalia Videnskiets Romarov, has gone missing. She fled the 'former' base in Kazakhstan with this man." Kane pressed a button on his console, and a Picture of James and Kail appeared. Someone in the back gave out a 'boyheisdreamy sigh. 

"I called you here because your the best bounty hunters on this Godforsaken rock. The man, or woman." He looked at Helena Flagstaff, who grinned at him. "...who finds them will be given a seat of power in my new world order,

A nice chunk of the U.S.A, and the entire gold bullion deposit at Fort Knox."

All the slimy, disgusting mercenaries cheered, especially about the chunk of the U.S., as many of them were Vets of the Gulf War, The Afghan Wars,

or were humiliated by there propaganda and annoyed by boasts about how wonderful they were. After the Briefing, Carey Wacca, probably the most 

famous mercenary in the building, aproached Kane. "You know just as well as I do that I will find them first. Kane smirked. "Yes, I do, and when you return with them I will also throw in Germany." Wacca was delighted by this, as he owed Germany a very painful revenge. The Nazis had murdered his father, sister, and all of his childhood friends. And Because he once choked on German bologna, but I won't get into that...

Carey set out, armed with his RCP-150, double Colt .45 magnums, and his 

Soulless instinct to kill, ready to brutalize any obstacles. Back at Mi6, in the staff lounge, Bond and Company minus KANG were waiting to meet the man himself. Bond was drinking a Vodka Martini, Natalia was chugging Tequila shooters, and Kail, one who disliked liquor, was drinking some strong coffee. Hey, he has been up all night. Then Kail realized something. "Natalia How can Kane flee to the moon if he destroyed it? Natalia was flustered. "I, uh, mean..." Kail jumped on her, and put her in a head lock. "you aren't Natalia! where is she, you impersonator!" then Kail ripped off her face mask, revealing Helena Flagstaff. Bond spoke up. "Tell us where she is!" Helena said. "In the broom closet down the hall." then she broke away from Kail, and made a run for the door. Suddenly the door knob began to turn, every one looked intently to see what was on the other side. The door opened and KANG stared for a minute, then pulled out his modified Klobb, and shot Helena. Kail, being the reticent one of the group, decided to break the ice. "Well, I take it that you are Michael KANG, correct?" He glared at John, and gave a simple answer. "Yes." ('This guy scares me') Thought Kail. They then ran to the broom closet.

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END OF CH. 5

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Chapter 6: The Gadget Man!

MI6 Headquarters .**Proton Decelerator countdown:36 hours, 48 minutes.**

Bond reached the closet first, and heard muffled cries for help. The door was locked, because the janitors had keys and were on strike. He did what came naturally, bash the knob with his fist. "yeow!" KANG looked up, as if to ask God why he surrounds him with idiots. 008(KANG's call sign) pulled

out his key pick and set Natalia free. "Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyou...." she said quietly to herself. "She then looked up at Michael, and he looked at her,

and she sneezed, and he flinched. Now Kail, who knows what I had planned next, starts. "uh, Natalia, this is KANG, he will be assisting us in our fight against Kane. Now uh, we received some dis-information form the Late Miss Flagstaff, could you tell us the truth about Kane and his base location?" 

She smiled sweetly, glanced at KANG again, and began to talk.

"I was with you until after the briefing with M. Kane has a base on a giant space ship orbiting the planet, not the de-materialized moon. I also know 

where his earth base is." She gave an even wider smirk than before. 

"It is located in The Antarctic." (wow! this keeps getting better.)

Now KANG decided he should speak. "We should get some equipment before we leave." Bond's eyes lit up, as he new who to call.

"Lets go see M, and then we will visit 'Q' for equipment. After giving 'M' the skinny, which confused her into thinking she was fat, they ran down to the 

Q labs for cool stuff. "Hey Q, it's your favorite secret agent!" Shouted Kail.

Major Boothroyd had been in this business for 40 years, and he had never told Kail he was his favorite agent. He let out an exasperated sigh, as he knew that meant Bond, KANG, and his bitch where coming with him. "What do you want now?" Bond, who knew how much Q hated Kail but never told him as he was very sensitive, informed him write away. "We are going on a mission an-" Kail rudely interrupted him. "It is potentially dangerous, so we need some good stuff this time, not that crap from the last mission." KANG 

was embarrassed and said something before it was too late. "If it isn't any trouble, we would like some of these items." KANG hands 'Q' a list. Q looks at it, and looks up again. "What do you think I am, a human ATM?" When he finished getting what they requested, along with some stuff he thought they might enjoy. Kail checked the list off one by one. "Lets see here, Aston Martin V8, check. Grenade pen, check. Wrist Watch with laser, magnetic field, and remote detonation, check. Really cool thermal jackets, check. Ghetto Blaster? how did that get in here? take it any way, you know how Kane loves music." Bond snickered, he remembers that very well.

"Dentonite toothpaste, check. Large Boat, fully loaded, check..." 5 minutes later. "...and cell phones. that's it!" he said, too perky if you ask me.

"Now lets go to the armory and get some weapons!" Kail treated this like a shopping spree a Wal-Mart, or as a little kid at toys-r-us. :) Bond choose a Walther PPk, and an AK-47. Kail chose double(this is a rip off Pdark) Falcon 2's although nobody really understood why. And he also grabbed 2 UZI 9mm

sub-machine guns. Kang pulled out 2 Wolfram P2K's and doubled up on his Klobb. Natalia just grabbed two .50 colt magnums (modest eh?) They all looked at her in shock, then in awe, as she looked very sexy with those.

They arrived at the airport and boarded there private jet, and began there 

journey to Tierra 'Del Fuago, the southern most tip of South America. 

End Of Chapter 6!

Chapter 7: The Long Journey. 

Flying over the Atlantic Ocean. Proton Decelerator countdown:**32 hours, 15 minutes**

Our heroes are in there luxurious jet, even with MI6's low budget, but

have cheap Cognac and Bourbon. Bond is rummaging through the kitchen area of the plane, hoping to find some Vodka. Natalia is sending subtle signals 

to KANG, and making faces at Kail when he looks away. KANG is tinkering

with his Klobbs, and he is trying not to giggle at the faces Natalia makes.

Kail is still chugging his coffee, this time it is vanilla flavored with some cream on top. He appears to be reading the dossier, but actually trying to figure out what everybody is giggling about. Bond walks back into the main cabin, his eyes are red, as he never goes this long without narcot-i mean liquor! He walks past the confused Kail and into the restroom. A loud wail heard, followed by the sound of a flushing toilet. Natalia let out another giggle, then buried her face in the newspaper on the table. Suddenly, the pilot's intercom came on. "For those of you who-hic- want thome Vodka, your tho late...and another thing! whats with the" The intercom clicks off. everyone stars wide eyed at the receiver. Then another sob is heard from the bathroom. Bond also heard this. Then the intercom came on again "I'm sthrory, that wasssss meann oof me..." Although the pilot stopped, he left the intercom on. The pilot was talking to the co-pilot when another man came in.

"Who is yoou?" Natalia looked up at the intercom. "What is that gun for?

Is you one of those cops...who can't talk? hee,hee,hee." Now Kail and KANG look up. and the stranger's voice is heard. "no, I'm not." Then a gun shot is heard. Kail is startled and spilled coffee all over the green carpet. 

"AAAHHHhhhh...gurgle...uuhhh." Then another gun shot is heard, followed by a splattering noise. now Natalia is scared, and runs to get Bond. Kail looks at KANG, and he nods. They cock their weapons. KANG left his Klobb because he can't chance missing the person. Kail pulled his Falcon out of it's 

holster in his shoulder. KANG did likewise with his Wolfram. Meanwhile, Natalia had got James and brought him to the main cabin. Now KANG 

finally broke the silence. "we are over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

We cannot afford to miss this guy. Natalia, you stay here, because those magnums would blow a hole through him and go out the wall." Suddenly they felt the aircraft turn. They knew they must act. And quickly. Bond and co. ran for the cockpit, where Carry Wacca was waiting for them. They rounded the corner and instantly jumped back as a knife flew at them. "EEK!" yelled Kail as it grazed his nose. then a smoke grenade bounced towards them. Kail, Bond, and KANG held their breathes. This was Sleepy gas cartridge.

Wacca rounded the corner with a gas mask expecting to see them passed out on the floor. Actually, 2 of them were. Bond and Kail took deep breathes of the Gas instead of air. KANG came around with full force, and delivered a nose shattering blow to Carry's face. Wacca clenched his fist and socked KANG in the stomach. KANG came around for another blow, but Carry ducked and he punched out a new window. Wacca then did a one-two maneuver and punched him in the gut, followed by a head but. This hurt Wacca more than KANG, actually. Then KANG punched Wacca in the face, once, twice, three times! Then he put Wacca in a head lock, and Tore his head off at the neck! Blood poured out of the jugular and head, as the body fell to the ground. By now Kail, thanks to all that coffee, had awaken, and saw a head with the eyes rolled into the back sitting in front of him. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" Kail shot up and ran to the bathroom, where he puked up his guts. KANG wiped the blood off his face, picked up Bond, and dragged him back to the main cabin. KANG explained everything, to the disgust of Bond and Kail. Natalia ran back into the cockpit and set the plane back on course, KANG followed her. They actually weren't to far off course.

They had just flown over Rio De Janeiro, and were only 2 hours away from 

Tierra Del Fuego. 

END OF CHAPTER 7.

CH.8: An Unpleasant Surprise

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Tierra Del Fuego, Proton Decelerator countdown: 30 hours, 7 minutes. 

The airplane carrying our heroes has just landed. Bond called M telling her that a Bounty hunter had tried to kill them. He also asked to send a sympathy wreath to the next of kin of the pilot and co-pilot. Kail had finally gotten over the shock of seeing that corpse like that. Sure he has killed 

people, but the guy still has a conscience, and that was just wrong!

Natalia was with KANG(duh!) at the docks checking out their cool new boat 

Q sent them. They were all wearing those cool jackets, and earmuffs. 

Kail had joined Natalia and KANG, and began loading the stuff onto the boat,

including the winterized Aston Martin. This is a large ice breaker boat, about

327 feet long, 60 feet above the sea level. Her name is the H.M.S. Avenging,

armed with double 30mm cannons, I think it does her justice. They set sail and headed to the Antarctic coast, a few hundred miles away. Kail made a 

bee-line for the cargo hold to admire their Aston Martin. Natalia went with KANG to the living quarters. Bond decided to check out the bridge.

After an hour of steaming southward at 23 knots, Kail and Bond began to grow board. So they went to the living quarters, where Natalia and KANG had gone earlier. Bond pulled out a pack of cards, and challenged Kail to a game of baccarat. In the other room, Natalia and KANG sat down on the bed, dimmed the lights, and put 'Titanic' in to the DVD player. After 2 more hours 

of sailing, Bond was down 400 pounds, and Kail's stupid grin kept growing wider. They could barely hear 'My Heart Will Go On' through the wall. 

The Avenging has pulled into an old Russian outpost, and sounded the 

whistle signaling the end of the trip. Kail had won 1200 Pounds, and Natalia was saddened by the ending of Titanic. They began unloading the cargo. 

Every one had already packed up their supplies into backpacks. The 4 Russians operating the base were very kind and helped Kail & Co. unload.

Now Kail was very happy he had paid attention during his foreign language 

classes. He engaged the Russian men in their native tongue.

Bond was angry. He took nine languages, including Latin, but couldn't speak 

a drop of Russian. Kail had, however, taken 3 languages. Russian, Spanish, and French. Kail rejoined the group. "they said, we would love to point you 

in the direction of Kane's base. It is just 20 miles south of here. Which is just 

North of the Pole" KANG was loading stuff into the trunk of the V8, but heard everything. KANG also spoke three languages. Romanian, Turkish, and 

Arabic. Natalia just spoke two other languages. Portuguese and Russian.

Kail thanked the Russian men, gave them a space heater in exchange for the info, and pilled into the car. KANG and Natalia sat in the back, Bond in the passenger seat. And Kail drove. Back at the Russian base. The two men started speaking perfect english. "Master Kane will be pleased. Those fools 

will never find his base now..."

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END OF CHAPTER 8!

Ch:9 THE HARD WAY

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Middle of no-where, Antarctica. Proton Decelerator: 26 hr, 31 min.

The crew had been traveling for hours, and finally parked next to an igloo, that was abandoned. Kail was standing outside the Aston Martin with a pair 

of binoculars. Bond was with him, and was banging his head repeatedly against the door. Natalia was in the backseat with KANG, cuddling under a space blanket, listening to "From Russia, With Love" on the radio. Kail then

looked back down at the map he spread out on the hood. Then he looked 

back up at this sign, which looked to be written in Eskimo, which confused the poor man even more. Then he looked at Bond, and opened his mouth to speak. "You know, I think those Russian men lied to us." Bond looked up at him, made a 'what a dumb fuck' look on his face, then went back to pounding his head on the Aston Martin. Bond new very well that Eskimos didn't live in the Antarctic. Kail's cell-phone began to ring, so he picked it up and greeted with "WHAT?!" This was the 3rd time it had rung. Then he heard the voice he knew very well. "Hello John." It was Kane. Kail signaled to Bond who it was, by pointing at the bible protruding from the rucksack, and then acting like ha was beating some one with a stick. "By now I am certain you realized 

those Russians had been on my payroll..." Then Kail spoke. "What do you mean had?" Suddenly, the ground began too shake, he turned around to see a huge fireball shoot upwards, he could also here Kane laughing, and hung up on him. The ground began to crack up, and split. "Oh...SHIT! Bond! Get in the car! NOW!" they all jumped in. Kail hauled ass out of there, and the

ground was collapsing behind them. Then he saw something up ahead. The ice dropped off about 100 meters head. He saw an ice ramp, that curved, which would cause the Aston Martin to do a 360° flip. He noticed on the other side more ice, just a few feet lower than their current height.

Is he crazy enough to make the jump? If you saw the spice girls movie, than you know what they do next. Kail made a daring pose, Bond did the same.

Natalia flicked her hair, reel smooth like, and KANG squinted his eyes and looked ahead. OF COURSE HE IS! their the Spice Girls Baby! I uh, mean, 

Their British BABY! YEAH! Kail kicked in the boosters, Up the car goes, its incredibly- suddenly Q is heard, finishing MY sentence, "-Expensive!" The rotate all 360 degrees and land on the other side of the Ice canyon. KANG was the first to react. 

"I have never done that before!" Bond interjected a witticism. "Neither have I!" Kail had a little trouble regaining control, and spun around 180°, and stopped the car. It made a strange hissing sound. Kail looked at the fuel gage, and it was empty. He got out of the car and popped the hood of the trunk.

The guts of this car are ruined! Then Bond got out, and looked towards

the horizon. What he saw made him gasp. "Uh..Um...Kail, You need to see 

this!" Kail was annoyed now, so he answered Bond rudely. "Not now! I am

trying to make the car work again!" Bond, whom has finally grown tired of Kail's fucking stupidity, punched him in the face and flipped him around so he 

could see what was out there. Kail, whose nose now had blood trickling out,

finally saw it. It was glistening like the emerald city and shined like the night-time New York skyline. They had, after much difficulty, discovered Kane's hideout.

END OF Ch. 9!

CH: 10. Infiltration!

****

10 miles south of the south pole. P.D. countdown: 23 hours, 32 minutes.

__

DAY TWO

Bond and co had covered the car with snow and ice, as to keep any patrols from discovering it. They managed to get past the defenses outside and were at the front door. The complex was easily larger than a super mall. Standing 7 stories high, and 1 kilometer to the left and right. "We can't just barge in, we must find an alternant entrance." Said KANG. Kail looked up, and saw a metal grating. he felt around in his bag o' stuff, and found a Q-claw. It is a grappling device that can pull a person to higher, lower, or middlier ground. He signaled to the others his plan. They all pulled theirs out, and fired a the grating. it pulled them up with ease. They searched the roof for

a make-shift entrance. It turned out to be the stairwell that led down to the main building. Bond turned towards to the team. "Our main objective is to find the launch pad. We must sneak aboard somehow." Natalia looked distraught. "Why can't you make your plans ahead of time, instead of winging it?" They opened the door and pulled out their weapons. Bond and Kail had drawn their pistols, both with the silencer screwed in. KANG had modified his Klobb with silencers, which looked really weird. Natalia held up the rear, armed with a simple Glock, with a(drum roll please) _Silencer!_

They crept down the stairs. Bond turned to the group. "We had better split up into pairs, I'll go with..." Bond thought for a moment. He decided that 

Kail should go with him because, although he hates to admit it, the man 

always gets out of sticky situations. "...John, KANG will go with Natalia."

KANG's eyes darted over to Natalia, grinned just a little bit, then looked down at his shoes. Natalia figured it was fate. Bond and Kail decided to take 

the hallway going left, and the other pair went right. Now things turned into 

an old episode of scooby-doo, where the camera is positioned at the end of

a long hallway. With doors on each side. First bond comes out the door on the right, then KANG comes out of the third door on the left. Next, Kail and Natalia entered through the 5th door on the right. This erratic pattern keeps up, until a guard, who had been watching on a video screen, sounded the alarm. Now the mental picture(hey!) pans up Kail's face, as a look of horror

comes across it. Now action music needs to be playing in your mind about now, or the effect won't be the same. Try imagining that music you heard when Bond infiltrated the Carver building and met up with Wai Lin, in 'Tomorrow Never Dies.' "Shit!" Bond, Natalia, KANG, and Kail all run in different directions. going through different doors in the hallway they were in.

Kail burst through the door, and shot the surprised guard in the stomach. 

He took in his surroundings, noticing everything. Kail was in the room where the shuttles are made. Several engineers were working hard, even though they heard the shot. These people here 'Poosh' all the time. Kail was on the metal 

catwalk above the construction. Then the alarm began to wail throughout the 

room. The engineers looked up, and picked up their AK-47s. Kail made a mad dash across the path, as bullets shot up behind him, slicing the walkway like well cooked stake. One bullet, however, grazed his leg, slicing open his combat fatigue. Kail made to the end and kicked open the door, which hit an unsuspecting guard in his nose, knocking him out. Now we go back to KANG. He ran through a door on the opposite side of Kail.

The room was an armory, which made him grin from ear to ear. Suddenly 2 other guards bust through the door on the left of the room. KANG tuned around and emptied a clip out of his klobb into them. He turned back around 

and analyzed(oohhh, big word) his choices. He stepped towards the rack.

Bond had gone through the door next to Kail, which entered into the opposite side of the construction site for the rocket. He saw Kail run across the catwalk, then looked down at the engineers. Bond pulled his AK-47 over his shoulder and gunned down the men. Then he ran down the hall. Natalia had run through the door next to the one KANG went through. She drew her magnums and ran down the winding corridor she entered. Natalia eventually 

reached a door that read "Mainframe" She grinned maliciously. Natalia burst through the door and put a bullet through the heads of the two techinicians in there. She locked the door behind herself. Natalia sat down and began to type... Kail had made it through the door and found himself in a curved hallway. He ran all the way down until he entered the armory KANG was in. 

The bullet from KANG's wolfram would have killed Kail, had he not placed his cell phone in his shirt pocket. "AAAAHHHH!!!" KANG was aghast, he feared he may have killed Kail, as John had fallen to the ground with shock.

END OF CHAPTER 10!

CH: 11 Lift-Off!

****

Kane's base, P. D. countdown: 21 hours, 37 minutes.

Bond entered an entirely different room, this one was loaded with trip lasers pointing in every direction. The alarm was still wailing, and he wondered why an avalanche didn't bury the whole place. Bond could see the lasers perfectly, and in the center of the room, A huge Nuclear missile lay ready launch. On the other side of the room, Bond could see a door. He looked up, hoping to see an air-duct or something. He gave out a loud sigh. 

Bond began to maneuver through the lasers. Meanwhile, Natalia had been hacking away in the mainframe computer. The screen displayed '...confirmation of disuse of machinery?' She laughed and hit enter.

Bond was halfway through the room, and suddenly tripped, and began to plunge towards a trip Laser. then, by the grace of God, just as he was about to pass through it, the power cut off. Bond impacted on the ground with a loud thud. Meanwhile, KANG had been trying to get a response out of Kail, when the alarm stopped screaming and the lights cut off. Then, little red lights came on, mostly exit signs, throughout the building. Kail finally came to, and started to have another panic attack, luckily, KANG didn't waist 8 years of his life learning how to fire a gun. He snapped Kail out of it, and stood him up again. KANG then walked back towards the gun racks, and snatched a few explosives. He also grabbed some very familiar English & German technology. Kail decided he may as well grab something too. He walked forwards and grabbed another really cool looking cell-phone. He pulled his out of the pocket, and threw it on the ground. It made shattering sound, which filled the silence with an uncomfortable noise. Natalia still had 5 minutes of power left on the master CP, so she pulled out her laptop(possibly a gun... :) )

and plugged it into a jack in the Mainframe. She looked for the orbit of Kane's space explorer, which was supposedly the size of Connecticut. Natalia found it, which just so happens to be called the "Sauveur Saint" which is French for 'Holy Savior'. She pulled up a diagram of the Sauveur Saint, it was 14,975 feet long, Hey, Connecticut isn't that big, and it is 786 feet wide.

The Proton Decelerator is mounted on the front, and it had a huge wingspan.

It looked like a cross between the Starship Enterprise and the (I couldn't resist) Egg-Carrier from SA1, to give you a mental picture of the craft. 

The control center was about 1,000 feet away from the bow of the craft.

Natalia discovered that the next shuttle going to the Sauveur Saint will leave in 20 minutes! After this the screen went blank. 

Bond had made it to the other side of the room, and ran through the door. 

He then saw KANG and Kail in the hall way, armed with enough weaponry 

to bring down the Israeli military. Bond withdrew his AK-47, Kail was armed 

with an M-60 assault rifle, KANG still had his Klobbs. They had all thrown on a Kevlar jacket. They proceeded down the hallway, and saw Natalia come around the corner, her laptop in hand. "Listen, Kane's space craft, the Sauveur Saint is hovering 12,000 miles above Antarctica, and the last next shuttle is leaving in 15 minutes! The launch pad is this way, hurry!"

As they ran down the long hallway, all you could hear was their footsteps ad they ran down the hallway. Suddenly the lights clicked back on, along with the alarms. They have entered the launch bay, standing 100 feet above the ground. Then a voice came over the loud speaker. "T-minus 20 seconds..."

They looked ahead, they had to make a run across an iron catwalk. They looked behind themselves, and saw several guards chasing them. They made a mad dash for the door. ...15...14...13...12..." Bond was leading, they were halfway across the walkway. ...10...9...8...7..." 2 yards from the door, as it began to close vertically. "...6...5...4...3..." They all jumped through the door as it was almost sealed, as the exciting music climaxed. "...2...1...liftoff!"

End of Chapter 11!!!!! 

CH 12: Beginning of the End!

****

Space Shuttle thyderium, goin' to space! P.D. countdown: 20 hr, 35 min.

Inside the shuttle, 5 armed guards rush into the room where we had left off. 

The 'Krew' were lying on the floor, as the jump was very strenuous, along with the running and such. Kane emerged from the darkness, and stopped 

12 feet away from the prisoners. They all stood up and looked at Kane, he began to talk. "So Natalia, terrific stunt, but all for not, you thought you could out-wit the imperious forces of Ka-Gasp!" Bond had Blonde hair, Kail was drinking some liquor, KANG was standing with his arms crossed, looking rugged, and Natalia was a man with a huge-O cigar coming out of his/her mouth. Kane had captured the Krew's stunt-doubles! "-yu, You IDIOTS!!! These are not them! you've captured their STUNT DOUBLES!!!!!" 

The Krew ran through the winding corridors of the space shuttle, until they finally reached the cargo hold. It is there they hid out until the craft comes to a landing on the 'Holy Savior' or as Kail liked to call it "Overtime" or "Underpaid". He wasn't very happy about the "bonus" they were getting, totally worthless. But that is because the economy is shot to hell. 

They were safe from the guards, and began conversing, KANG opened his mouth first. "So, what next?" Natalia let out a sigh. "Does anyone have a plan?" Kail looked up from he was doing. "Well, if you don't mind, I have one." KANG rolled his eyes, he found Kail to be very dull. "Lets here it."

005 stood up. "Well, since the space craft is so huge, It will certainly have Nuclear Power..." Bond looked up, he liked nuclear. "So, if  we make it onboard the ship, then this may work. We must either shut off the cooling system, or plant Plastic explosives, and detonate them from far away. 

The later is much riskier than the former. We can form two groups, the team that sabotages the generator and the team that kills Kane." Natalia raised her hand. "What is it with you people? Why do Brits always want to split up?

That's how you get killed! If we sabotage the generator, why bother going after Kane? He can burn up in space while we make a smooth exit!" 

Kail made a 'wha?' sign with his eyes. Bond looked down at his feet. KANG cleared his throat, he loves it when she's brutally honest. Kail regained his composure. "I...uh..." He looks at KANG, who gives him a nasty look. "...Sure! Yeah! definitely!" (oh boy...what have I done?) 

End of ch 12! 

CH: 13. **And then there was three!**

Sauveur Saint. P.D. countdown. 12 hrs, 47 minutes.

After 10 hours of space flight, the Krew are suddenly jarred awake from a deep sleep. Kail looked up, not at anything in particular, but just for dramatic effect. The space shuttle had landed in the hanger bay, which is about the size of a large department store, or a Food Lion. Kail signaled them to pull out the guard uniforms they had recovered from Kane's Earth base. They slipped out of the cargo bay undetected. KANG is dressed in a combat fatigue, with an

old Soviet jacket, red star and all. He also had a beret that had the hammer & sickle of the old Soviet Union on it, which he despised, along with some shiny Chinese boots. Kail is dressed in camouflage pants, muddy boots, which had a suspicious button on the side. He is sporting a Russian tank top, with a German Kevlar vest. To top it off, John is bearing a navy Seals hat, splattered with mud and a blood stain. Bond has regular lace up boots, with black pants and a bar code riding up them. (ohh, mysterious...) Bond has on a 

green Cuban shirt, also with a few blood stains. To top off this, he has face mask from North Korea. Natalia is wearing a torn camo-shirt,(Sound familiar?) and black pants. She also has combat boots, along with a Chinese Air Force cap. Yep, Kane has already been at war with the 'Cheap Budget Monster,'aaahhhh... Together, if you looked at them, you would have to say:

"Man, talk about the wrong stuff!" The group headed to the big map of the space craft. In the bottom left corner, there is a big red dot that reads "you aren't here, because this place doesn't exist.(Wink Wink!)" KANG breaks the silence with a whisper. "Look, there is this the main reactor, in the back of the space ship." He reads more, then with a sense of dread. "...12,578 feet that way..." Then Natalia looked up, after studying the plans for the ship in her laptop. "Look, they have this system of gyroscopic elevators that can get us to the other end of the ship." They turned around towards the elevators,

and walked casually over to them. Suddenly, a door flew open, and about 25 

guards, accompanied by, non other than, Kane! "Over there! Get them!"

KANG mouthed out the word, fuck, and began to go all out towards the elevator, pursued closely by Kail, Bond, and Natalia. The guards let out a hail of bullets, one embedded itself in the small area where the Kevlar didn't reach on Kail's back. He fell to the ground, screaming in pain. Bond turned around and ran back to him, and fired his AK-47 at the guards, causing them to scatter behind pillars and such. Bond looked at Kail's back, as blood trickled out onto the floor. Bond felt his eyes water, he didn't want to lose his best friend, even though he never told him that. Kail looked up, coughed some blood, and spoke. "James..go...go without me..." Natalia fired some shots at the guards as she rushed towards them. "...I'll be fine, Kane will want me alive...to interrogate me...besides...you always have, a...a...backup plan."

With those words, Kail passed out. Natalia also looked distressed. She turned to Bond. "Come on! lets go! we have to complete the mission!" Bond got up, took one last look at Kail, and ran for the elevator, gunning down 3 more guards. As the doors sealed shut, Bond saw Kane run over to Kail, then he turned around towards the group. Kane leaned over towards Kail. 

"You do realize that this could have been avoided?"

****

END OF CHAPTER 13!

CH: 14! **Enemy Action!**

Sauveur Saint. Proton Decelerator: 10 hrs, 27 minutes...

As the elevator sped to the rear of the ship, Bond reflected on what had just happened. He trembled with anger, all he could think about was vengeance.

Natalia had sympathy for Bond, and KANG, although he would NEVER admit it, thought Kail is an OK person. The hydraulics in the elevator hissed as it came to a rest in sector 'Y'. Bond reloaded his Kazakovich-47(don't tell me you didn't know what the 'AK' stood for.) and put it over his shoulder, while pulling out his double Walther ppks, still with a silencer. 

Natalia and KANG did likewise with their pistols. The door slowly opened, Bond took aim and shot sown 4 guards patrolling the hall. He looked up, the reactor wasn't what he though it would look like. 8 power couplings went from ceiling to floor, surrounding the main reactor. In the center, two huge cylindrical tubes protruded from the floor, meeting halfway, but leaving about 25 feet of space. The height of the room itself is about 175 feet, which has nothing to do with Connecticut( looks at Palicide), and its width is 200 feet. 

The power couplings had bright blue lights surging from the bottom up. 

In the center, a huge ball of green light flashes constantly like a strobe light.

In front of the power couplings, a huge terminal lay dormant, with nothing on the screen except "11:23:47:99" and it is constantly ticking lower and lower. 

Natalia realized were they are, the Krew aren't in the Reactor, they are in the 

Core of Kane's Proton Decelerator! She looked at the ground, and saw a wave of red surge towards and past the Krew, hitting the wall, every 8 seconds. She opened her mouth after gaping in awe. "You guys! were in the Proton Decelerator Core!" KANG turned around. "But, we need to be in the Energy Reactor!" Bond slapped him across the face. "You dumbass, this is far better than our original plan! If we sabotage the laser, then we can reverse the energy and it will self distruct moments later!" Natalia approached the terminal, and began clacking away. Bond withdrew his AK-47, and KANG pulled out his Klobb. Natalia hacked into the laser control panel, but before they can override the weapon, a password entry screen popped up. 

She bit her lip, and entered her old password, "knockers." 

Not only did the screen display ACCESS DENIED, but it complimented the failed attempt with setting off the alarm. Again, European sirens screamed "bloody murder"(not literally) throughout the ship. KANG looked up, and spoke. "Why do they have to be European sirens? We aren't in Paris, you know!" The Author roles his eyes at KANG's bad pun, which he ripped off from "Spaceballs." Guards poured in through all the doors in the room, being careful not to shoot the coils. Bond, KANG, & Natalia ducked behind the energy ball. The guards all lined up and aimed at where the trio are. This is a lot like GoldenEye, just to let you know. Then Kane entered the room,

and yelled at the Krew. "This is Kane! Come out now! With your hands above your heads!" Bond whispered to Natalia "How original..." KANG turned towards Natalia. "How far did you get?" She turned towards him. 

"I still need to hit 'ENTER'."

END OF CH: 14!

CH: 15. screwed 3 ways from Thursday!

Proton Decelerator core. P.D. C.D.: ** 9 hr, 00 min.**

The Krew minus one, are holed up behind a coupling, trying to figure out how things could get worse. Kane spoke to the group. "If you don't come out, I'll be forced to, kill him." Kane points his revolver at Kail, whom is handcuffed and patched up, which is actually the nicest thing Kane does during the whole story. Things just got worse. Natalia peeked around the corner, then turned back towards the krew. "What do we do?" KANG said. 

"I'll handle this." He stood up, and peeked around the corner, came back behind the pillar and said to Kane. "Shoot him, he means nothing to us!"

Bond said to KANG. "You numb nut! what is-" BANG! Bond's eyes widened. Then Kane yelled. "okay, you did say he meant nothing to-" 

Kail let out a moan of agony. "oooohhhhhh....aaaahhhhh......aarrrggghhh....My Arm! You Shot me in my arm! why did-" BANG! The whole time this is going on, the krew is only listening, they can't see anything. They here Kane whisper to one of the guards, then 2 sets of footsteps. after 20 seconds of steps, a door is heard squeak open, then a few more foot steps, then they here it shut. 

Kane brakes the silence. "Why do you people do this to me?" Then another guard is heard approaching Kane. "Sir, we have a problem. you see, we ppsss psss sshh, wisper whisper." The krew try to hear, but they can't quite here them well. Kane spoke loudly again. "I have some business to attend to, would you please surrender now?" Bond was deeply troubled, he couldn't

be sure if Kail were dead or not. Bond signaled to the krew to throw away their weapons, and surrender. They all stood up waving tissues. Kane did one of those smirks, you know, the ones that make you want to kill somebody? 

He then took them to the jail cells, and proceeded towards the bridge. 

Now we are going to follow Kane for this segment of the chapter.

The bridge is huge, and if you have seen the movie "Spaceballs" then skip the bit about what it looks like. It is a long white room, with 2 sets of 10 

seats lined along the middle of the room. In the front, you can see a panoramic view of space and Earth. Also in the front is 3 control panels for technicians. Upstairs is basically the same as the lower floor, minus the command post. Kane approached the deck officer. "What is the situation?"

The man turned to him. "Sir, we have an American space cruiser approaching!" Kane looked out the window then turned towards the officer. 

"How big is it and is it on a course of attack?" The man gulped. "It is 882 feet long, and 65 feet wide, and it fired a nuclear missile at us 1 minute and 23 seconds ago!" Kane said "Target it with the ion cannon!" The man looked relieved. "Sir, I didn't even know we had one!" Kane looked out the window,

and saw a short blue beam of energy fly towards the missile, impacting on it and causing it to deactivate. Kane signaled for the officer. "Fire a warning shot, across their nose!" immediately, tons of red beams shot out of multiple 

cannons placed throughout the ship, impacting on several places of the cruiser. "Careful you idiots! I said across their nose not up it!" 

Suddenly, a man stood up at the seat four spots down and approached Kane, he lifted his cap, revealing a set of crossed eyes. "Sorry sir, I'm doing my best!" Kane looked aghast, then turned to the officer. "....Who made that man a gunner?" Then another officer stood up, also cross eyed. "I did sir, he's my cousin!" Kane looked at the officer. "Who is he?" "He's an asshole sir!"

Kane sighed. "I know THAT, what's his name?" The officer replied. "That is his name sir, Asshole, Major Asshole!" Kane made a quizzical look. "...And his cousin?" The officer replied. "He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's mate First Class Phillip Asshole!" Kane turned to his minions. "How many Assholes do we got on this ship anyhow?" Out of 153 men in that room, 147 stood up, proudly shouting "YO!" Kane leaned back over his panel. "I knew it! I'm surrounded By Assholes!" He thought for a moment. "Keep firing, Assholes!!" 

END OF CHAPTER 15! 

****

CH 16: holy 'F'ing cow!

A jail cell on the Sauveur Saint. Proton decelerator: 7hrs, 45min.

The Krew have been placed inside a "new age" jail cell, but it still smelled like shit. Bond is leaning against the wall, giving KANG a look that would frighten a High School gym teacher, or a small child. KANG is standing in front of the door, looking down at his shoelaces, trying to ignore Bond. Natalia is sitting on a cot between the two, hoping to maintain peace. 

Bond finally spoke. "We could have at least all been together!" 

KANG sneered "I worked in all of your movies!" Natalia stood up.

"KANG, that was 7 years ago, and James only did it once!" KANG 

made a nasty look. "Oh, sure, side with him! I was hoping to disarm Kane of blackmail material!" (Not literally) Natalia is yelling now. "Oh would you boys stop it! Do you know how hard it is to be perky ALL the time?!

AAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" KANG and Bond 

both huddled under a blanket and whimpered. "For all we know, Kail could

still be alive! We have to pull together!" then whispering. "look, there is only one inept guard! we can just-" KANG cuts her off with a stupid comment.

"...OK! I'll act like I'm sick, then while he goes to get help, we shall use our laser cutter watches and-" Natalia cut him off with a smack to the head. "We don't have time for that!" Then she turned to the guard, and pulled open her shirt, revealing her breasts! "how do you like these my man?" He ran to her, saying. "Oh, mommy!" Then when he reached the bars, Bond reached out and grabbed him by the shirt, and pulled him into the bars, smacking the guy's head 2 times. Then Natalia reached out and grabbed the keys as he fell to the ground. KANG made a 'cool' face then turned to Natalia. "I love you!"

She buttoned up her shirt, to the disappointment of the two guys. Natalia opened up the door, and Bond grabbed the guards M-60 assault rifle, and found a dog tag that read "Steve". The Krew found all their stuff, including Kail's, sitting on a desk. They grabbed it, and ran out the door, rearmed with 

their elaborately shinny stuff...

Back in the control room, Kane had blown the Cruiser up, and chunks of people kept getting stuck on the windshield and in the window wipers. 

That nuclear missile that he had disabled is falling towards the Earth,

and it will explode 800 miles off the coast of France, causing a huge tidal wave that is going to submerge most of Europe. Kane watched with glee as a huge red flare lit up the sky over Earth. He saw chunks of France and Portugal disappear, at a rapid pace. After 25 minutes, water had gone as far as Hungary, Romania, and Poland. That nuclear missile was the most powerful missile in the world, it was 409 feet long, armed with 50 warheads. Each warhead had 750 million mega-tons of TNT/Plutonium. After 1 hour, 

the water surge stopped at Moscow in the East, at Norway in the North,

at Libya in the South, and at Rhode Island in the west, missing Connecticut by a few miles. Kane laughed diabolically, his vision will soon be complete. Kane began to laugh out loud, with all of his advisors standing next to him,

also laughing. "Ahahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! hahahahahahahahah!

Ahhahaha!AhHAHAHAHAHA....HAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!hahahahahahahahahahah....ah hah ha ha ha....heh...whooo....uhm....yeah."

END OF CHAPTER 16!

CH 17: **O.H.M.S.S. **

the staff lounge in the Sauveur Saint, Proton Decelerator: 6hrs, 11 min. 

While Kane was destroying stuff, the Krew(minus 1, :( )

had found refuge in the lounge, and took a short nap. KANG and Natalia are sleeping on the couch while Bond watches the door. They have the lights turned off, except for a television turned to the American channel NBC. 

Bond was watching an update on the 'War on Terror' when it was interrupted. "...Am I on? Put Me ON! PUT ME ON!" Bond watched with intrigue as the man spoke quickly and with much panic. "As many of you are aware, An American SS-84 GIB nuclear missile, which was planned for Kane's space orbiter, had fallen from space and exploded in the Atlantic ocean...." Bond nearly shit his pants, in fact he did. "...It is the most powerful weapon in all of history to be created by man. It's detonation caused a huge tidal wave, submerging almost all of Europe, 15% of Africa, a small portion of the U.S., and melted the ice caps in the North. The fast melting caused northern Canada to become submerged. We have and unconfirmed report that

a Green peace scientist has stated that the melting of the cap could have an affect on the Southern cap as well...." Bond woke up Natalia and KANG, and pointed at the television. "...and just 20 minutes ago, a huge chunk of Antarctica broke off and floated North. The entire North pole ice cap is melted, and Norway and Sweden are completely covered now.

It also appears that-CCRRAACKK- wha? what is-zzzzzpppp- John, are you seeing that? It looks like-Frzzap- This is Dan Rathers reporting live from 

Turkey, which is ab-sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-" Bond finished what the T.V. started. "...shit..." He turned to KANG and Natalia. "Guys, it is preety pointless to save Earth now..." Natalia slapped him. "Oh COME ON! Don't tell me 'Q' didn't give you some gizmo to fix shit like this?" Bond shook his head. "He was going to try to make a time machine...but-" KANG cut him off. "You guys....I have a plan. And it is crazy enough to work!" 

Bond made a 'how?' look with his face, but let KANG go on. "70 years ago, Einstein researched a project, code named 'Chronosphere', It was a time travel device." Natalia remembered hearing about this, and perked up. 

"It was never tested, the Government feared it would be too dangerous for the 

Time-Space Continuum. So, Albert, and my father, locked the plans up in a secret shelter in Germany, right before Hitler came to power. When he fled to America, he finished the project, but he needed to add his completed part with the one in Germany." Bond looked really impressed, and decided he should speak. "So, if this works, we can save Kail and stop the missile?"

KANG smirked. "Yes." Natalia leaned forwards. "Do you know where the two halves are?" KANG, again smirked. "One is right underneath the old Nazi death camp, Auschwitz..." Natalia responded. "...and the other?"

KANG stuck his hand in his shirt, and pulled out a microchip, and a blue crystal. Natalia leaned even closer, and said. "...Oh..."

END OF CHAPTER 16!

CH: 17: Digging' up Auschwitz!

****

Sauveur Saint, launch bay. Proton Decelerator: 5 hrs. 27 min.

The 'Krew' had found Kail's dead body in the Morgue on the way to the Launch Bay. Bond felt a pang of guilt, but kept telling himself that Einstein is a fucking genius, and this **will **work. The Krew had beat up some people and stolen their uniforms, because the ones they did have on were identified by all the guards. They had found the perfect shuttle. It is a 3 man ship, armed with twin blaster cannons in the front, and a rear laser in the back. On the bottom, a double barrel chain gun was placed. The front lasers are both regular energy blasters, like wise with the one on the back. 

The machine guns are capable of pumping out 100 rounds per second. 

Each bullet is 5 inches long and 2 inches wide. Natalia is manning the Machine guns. KANG is controlling the forward and rear lasers.

Bond is piloting the ship. They snuck aboard, and took their positions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in the bridge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kane is monitoring his flight plan, when he looks at the screen, and sees 

the shuttle "Forthright" beginning liftoff procedures, he calls Major Asshole.

"Major, is that shuttle supposed to launch today?" The man pulled out his schedule. Kane peared over and looked at the words. They are all blurred.

Kane crossed his eyes, and they read clearly. He closed his eyes, and let out an agitated sigh. Asshole looked up. "Sir, that shuttle isn't supposed to launch until 3 days after last Friday!" Kane looked at the calendar. It said Monday. 

He shrugged. "Okay!" Kane then sat in his chair and put on some headphones playing "The Bee Gees greatest hits". 

Suddenly, the real crew of the Forthright burst through the doors, dressed only in underwear and undershirts. They had cuts and bruises all over their bodies. Kane swiveled around, recognized them, then turned back around to his console. He flicked a switch which brought a screen up inside the Forthright. He received a close up of Bond's face. One of the beaten baddies approached the monitor, and spoke. "HEY! Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!" and then the other one spoke. "And beat the shit out of us to!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Back at the Forthright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bond had activated the engines and lifted up off the ground. KANG turned to him and saw Kane on the screen. "Bond, he knows were here! Can I shoot at everything to cause pointlessly exaggerated explosions, only so the one reader gets their monies worth?" Bond nodded. KANG cheered. "WAHOO!"  
He then let loose a barrage of energy blasts. Blowing holes in the walls and igniting plutonium barrels. Causing huge assed explosions. This blew a hole in the wall, so all the radiation is sucked out from space. (I don't care if that can't happen. It is my story) KANG fired of the rear laser, too, blowing a hole in the hanger doors. Bond flew out the gapping hole. Alarms wailed throughout the corridors as fires spread to other barrels. Before the Krew left the ship, they flew along the length of the craft. Natalia fired at the Sauveur Saint, blowing holes in its 'skin'. KANG's forward lasers didn't pivot, but the rear one did. So he fired at what they passed. Natalia emptied an entire clip,

all 10,000 bullets, into the Sauveur Saint, blowing huge holes in it. Bond set a course for Germany, and sped off. The trip will take 1 hour, so KANG radioed ahead. He hoped that his old friend, Jacque Cousteau Palicide the II,

hoping he was in a U-Boat when it happened. "Jacque, are you there?

It's me, KANG." After about 5 minutes of prayer, a weak signal came through. "....zzzzt....KANG? Is it really you? What happened out there?

I was out doing maneuvers in the Rhine, when the Sub did a 360° flip!"

KANG smiled, it was good to here from him again. "How far away are you from Auschwitz?" KANG could here murmuring, and a 'Auschwitz?' 

After a minute of waiting, Palicide responded. "We have been wandering

East for several hours....Uh....we are 35 miles North of it...but why do you need to know?" The camera pans up to KANG's face, for dramatic affect. 

"...I Need you to do a small favor for me..."

END OF CHAPTER 17!

CH: 18. Das Boot!

****

Somewhere in...no...ON Germany. Proton Decelerator: 4 hrs. 00 min.

The Krew is hovering over the U-Boat, which had just resurfaced. 

Bond dropped a rope ladder, and they climbed down. He didn't bother to set down the Shuttle, because they are going back in time anyway. Palicide 

is standing on the deck, dressed in his best German Naval suit, strips and badges and such. KANG ran up to him and gave him a big bear hug, nearly crushing Palicide. "Look at you! Got your own U-boat eh?" Palicide grinned modestly, and blushed a little. :) "Yes, and look at you! Working for the British Secret Service! I never would have thought...." The two climb down the ladder, while Bond and Natalia take in the scenery around them. It was so much like the movie "Water World", that all you had to do is throw in Kevin Costner. Bond turned to Natalia and said. "Natalia, there is something you must know...."

She turned to him. "What?" Bond was belittled by her brashness, But continued. "...KANG is....KANG...is..." Her eyes widened. "...gay."

She let out an ear piercing scream, that was heard for miles. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Down in the submarine, Palicide could feel the sub shake a little. 

Then he realized who screamed and why the scream happened.

It was no secret Palicide knew KANG is gay. The only person who didn't know is KANG. But I want this fig to maintain an "R" rated, so, Palicide is as strait as they come by golly! I won't dive any deeper into the whole 'gay' thing, so on with story! "KANG, I could be fired if I do this!" 

Bond, who had joined the group, along with Natalia, smacked Palicide across the face. When he swiveled around from the blow, KANG smacked him, too.

Natalia speaks. "Look, almost the entire population of Germany has drowned,

you'll be fine!" Bond speaks. "Set a course for Auschwitz!" Then KANG cited, "Take her to sea, Mr. Murdock!" Natalia smacked him in the back off the head. The U-Boat dived and they sailed for 1 hour and 27 minutes. 

When they finally reached Auschwitz, Palicide briefed them. 

"You all have a Helium/Oxygen mixture in your tanks that should last you 

about 15 minutes. According to KANG, the bunker is water tight with 3 blast doors. I will join you and see you off at the "Chronosphere". God Speed!"

A hatch on the U-boat opened up, and the 4 exited the vessel. KANG had a locator that lead them towards the bunker. After 10 minutes of swimming,

They reached a huge steel door, about 35 feet away from the entrance to Auschwitz. They all swam towards it. KANG opened up a smaller door, where a little keypad lay dormant. He pressed a sequence of buttons that made beeping sounds similar to the theme of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." Palicide looked puzzled. Bond just sighed, he was used to this sort of shit. The huge door opened, and a lot of bubbles shot out. Natalia giggled, they tickled her tummy. Palicide also was tickled, but he would rather hang himself than giggle with childish glee. They entered, and the door sealed behind themselves. The entrance is a stair case down 15 feet, and 25 feet of hall leads to the second door. As soon as the door sealed shut, the water began to drain out of the room. Bond pulled off his helmet. The air tasted old,

and humid. He shuddered at the thought of what he might be inhaling.

Palicide unzipped his suit, revealing his perfect suit. Bond and KANG did like-wise. Natalia also unzipped, revealing a tank top and tight blue jeans.

Palicide couldn't help but drool. She is very lovely, but he quickly regained his composure. Bond noticed KANG was also drooling, but not over Natalia...

END OF CHAPTER 18!

CH: 19 The Good...

****

Secret Lab under Auschwitz. Proton Decelerator: 2 hrs, 7 min.

The new 'Krew' reached the second blast door. This time, it is a puzzle.

It is something Einstein made with the help of the time machine. You see, 

without the necessary components, you can only see the future and the present. With the stuff, you can travel to that period. Einstein saw something, and put it into code. The letter sequence is: **Wra 4tke 7r yG8 aot 0e.**

(You try and figure it out! The answer is at the bottom of this chapter!)

As Palicide studied the map, KANG and Natalia, also puzzled, look at it like a monkey doing a math puzzle. As Palicide looked on, his eyes crossed a little, then it suddenly looked so clear! He sees the pattern! "Guys! Come here! I got it!" It's a good thing he had spent so many years at Oxford, learning how to decipher terrorist coding. He punched in the letters, and the door opened, making a hissing sound. They entered, and the door shut behind them. They could here water flow back into the other room. Einstein must have seen that, too.(This time travel stuff can really mess with you.)

The third and final door. This time, it is a floor maze. On a plaque in front

of it, there is some writing. "He who treads across this ground, doesn't tread alone, If you say three simple words, the floor, you shall hone."

Bond looks at this carefully. Palicide just shrugs, and KANG groans. 

Bond loved to play word games as a kid, and still does, when nobody is looking. He smirked, and said. "Three Simple Words!" Suddenly, a pattern of tiles lit up, leading towards the door, which opened up. Palicide, he, well,

finds this really weird. "Einstein was a bit of a kook, wasn't he?" 

They walked across the floor. Natalia accidentally walked across one of the un-lit tiles, which collapsed, reveling a bottomless pit. Palicide, luckily, caught her by her arm. For a quick moment, they looked into each others

eyes, then Bond rushed over and pulled her up. (God! Always have to ruin things for every one else huh?) Thought Palicide. He looked down. "This is like an Indiana Jones movie!" When they reached the door, it slammed shut behind them, then filled with water. They then entered a huge room. With a long wide hall leading to the Chronosphere. Pylons lined the wall, with torches burning every where. Bond decided to break the eerie silence.

"It looks like the 'Temple Of Doom'!" Palicide retorted with. 

"Well it sure ain't 'Temple Beth Israel'!" When they were 50 feet from the machine, a loud voice spoke up, with a thick German accent.

"Who dares enter the chamber of the everlasting no-it-all, Einstein?!"

Palicide's eyes widened. "Einstein!" Then a short little man rounded the corner. "Ya hoid of me?" KANG stepped forwards. "Who hasn't heard of

Einstein the Great?" Natalia. "Einstein the Magnificent!"

Then he spoke up. "Please, please, I'm just plain Yogurt-Ah I mean Einstein!" END OF CHAPTER 19!

(Answer: If you looked at it closely, you would see that Wra 4tke 7r yG8 aot 0e is a 'every other letter' combo. So, beginning with W, you will get "Water Gate".)

Ch: 20! ...the Bad...

****

Secret Lab under Auschwitz. Proton Decelerator: 1 hr, 27 min.

Einstein has explained to the Krew everything about the time machine, how he knew they would come, and that he knew even more about Kane. 

He also told them that, Kane had followed the shuttle Bond and Co. had stolen. "His cronies will arrive in 40 minutes, so, lets get to work!"

The Chronosphere was designed to look like the time warp thingy from the Stargate movies. It is about 25 feet tall, and 12 feet wide. It's shaped like a giant circle. When activated, the outer and inner rings lined along the vortex would spin until it reaches a constant speed and velocity. When it does, an blue gel-like substance comes out from the spinning circles, and meets at the center. In the end it looks like a blue watery wall that you pass through, and end up at the time and place you desired. Natalia, Einstein, Palicide, and KANG got to work on the time machine, while Bond guarded the doors. Natalia is typing away at her laptop, with Einstein at the master controls. KANG is carefully placing the blue crystal, called "liberauseme", inside a panel on the time machine. Palicide is doing the manual work, as he is the strongest of the group. You know, screwing, hammering, pounding, plumbing,

and such and such. KANG crawled down from the chronosphere and helped with the labor. After 30 minutes, it was ready. Natalia, beaming with pride, stated "That is the fastest hack job I've done since the Monika Lewinsky trials!" (don't ask, please.) The group gathered their stuff, and Palicide turned towards the group. "Well, I guess this is good-bye." Suddenly, Palicide's radio came on, and he received a message that is the opposite of happy. 

"Sir? SIR?! ARE YOU THEIR?!" Palicide grabbed his receiver.

"Yes Jahowel, I'm here, what is it?" Then he received a dread filled transmission. "I don't understand what is happening, Was it a mistake to come here? We have just been fired on! It...its Kane, sir. He has arrived on a space shuttle, and his military personal have boarded the ship. I'm afraid that my contract with you, sir, has expired. It was an honor to serve you, Jacque Cousteau Palicide..." (slow motion) The radio slowly fell from Palicide's hand to the floor, where it shattered into a million pieces. He turned back towards the group, who heard everything. "Well, I'm going with you, I have nothing left here anymore..." Natalia walked up to him in order to comfort him, but decided Bond would get in the way. What a hormone driven sex fiend. Suddenly, the ground shuttered, and a huge stalagmite fell from the ceiling. It would have splattered Natalia all over the room, getting brains and guts and stomach acid and-you get the picture, had it not been for Palicide's quick thinking. He ran towards her and pushed her out of the way, and landed on top of her. They exchanged a quick glance, and got up. Palicide dusted off his uniform, even though it still looked perfect. Einstein, meanwhile, had programmed in the coordinates and started up the time machine. It hummed and began to spin, and the ground again shook, but not from the Chronosphere. Kane had busted through the first door, and placed a C-4 charge on it. This time, the ground shook even harder, and another huge stalagmite came crashing down, and hit KANG square in his head, blowing chunks of him in every direction. Water began seeping through the cracks in the walls, roof, and the door. Einstein yelled at the group. "Run! get out of here!" They all began running, and it slowed down to a "Charlie's Angels"

scenario. Time slowed down as a cascade of water burst after them. 

Then Palicide, bond, and Natalia jumped through the portal,

As the surge of water destroyed the time machine and washed away Einstein.

END OF CHAPTER 20!!!!!

CH: 21, ...The Weird...

****

still in the underground lab. Proton Decelerator countdown: 47 minutes.

As the Krew fell through the portal, one sound could be heard. "....AAAAAAHHH...." When they reached the end of the portal, the roof of the secret lab opened up and the krew fell through. They looked around, and realized that this was bad. Palicide, replacing Kail's reticent attitude, spoke for the group. "Uh, guys, this only five minutes ago." Bond looked around, yep, it was. He could see KANG standing under the area where the stalagmite will fall, and he could see the past-Palicide frozen with shock, but his arms signified that he was just dusting himself off after rescuing Natalia. 

He saw himself standing with his arms crossed, thinking "God, Natalia is hot!" Bond remembered thinking that. He saw the shattered remains of Palicide's radio. Then past Palicide approached future Palicide. They both looked at each other for a long time. Then they both raised one arm, then the other, and reached out to each other, expecting to feel a mirror. Nope, no glass there! Meanwhile, Bond decided some 'splaining was in order.

"Uh, hi...we just got into the time portal and it took us here. Doc, I think you messed up somewhere." Einstein looked down at his panel, then back at them. "Your right! I forgot to put in the 490ght!" Bond doesn't know what that meant, but assumed it wasn't bad. Suddenly, the ground shook, again. 

Then a stalagmite came crashing from the ceiling, again. It hit KANG square in the face, again. Bond X2 and Natalia X2 were splattered with guts, again.

The Palicides had taken Judo, Karate, and Xing-Do-Tao. They also had most of the Jackie Chan movies and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon on DVD. So, they decided to test the other and see if they are the real thing.

Palicide Prime came around with his arm to hit Past-Palicide in the neck, but Past-Palicide put up an arm next to his head to deflect it. (I'm going to refer to the past character by P-whatever their name is, and the future character by 

F-whatever their name is.) P-P then threw his palm at F-P, but he brought down his arm and blocked that. Then F-P dropped down to do a low spinning kick, but P-P jumped up to avoid that attack. That attack pattern continued for a while. Natalia(Natalias?) watched this with glee. She then turned towards 

Natalia past, and they both said. "Uh huh! Meow!" This just what they needed, twice as much German charm, twice as much suave movement, 

twice as many black suits(triple if you count Bond), and twice as many Palicides. Einstein booted up the Chronosphere, and called the group to get in. "Get in!" Finally, the Palicides finished this dazzling display by bringing their arms around and hitting each other lightly in the neck. Natalia X2 applauded, then they headed to the time machine. The two Germans looked at each other sternly, then instantly made changed to a happy face and laughed.

"Cool, two of me-er us!" They two, entered the time machine.

END OF CHAPTER 22!!!!!!

CH 22: Triple X- I-I mean 'Threat'.

****

'Holy Savior' launch bay. Proton Decelerator: 12 hrs, 48 min.

The Portal opened a hole in the roof of the Cargo ship, and dropped 

our heroes X2 into the hold. When they hit the ground, the Krew sleeping

in the hold were awaken. Basically because every one fell on top of them.

Palicide-Prime fell on Natalia, Bond-past fell on Bond-pastpast, Natalia-past

fell on Kail, and Palicide-past fell on KANG, but jumped off him immediately. (Don't worry, Palicide, your safe from him) Kail, after seeing two or three of everyone, jumped up and ran over two his Krew.

Kail assumed this came from all that black coffee, because secretly, he had been replacing the cream with liquor. STRONG liquor. Bond-Prime approached the newest(or oldest?) Krew and explained to them what was going on. After his explanation, KANG asked why there wasn't 2 or 3 of him.

Bond chuckled and replied. "Oh, you died, twice!" All the color drained from his face and his clothes.(weird...) Then, Bond-past went to Kail and told him about his untimely demise because of KANG's stupidity. Kail made a face that would make Osama Bin Laden run away, screaming like a little girl.

While everyone discussed this, Kail decided he should change the plan. 

"Well, since Natalia's plan won't work, why don't we fire wildly when those doors open?" Nobody was in the mood to argue, so they complied. Bond found a crate that reads "Munitions". He opened it, and gave everybody guns. 

Weapons such as, AK-47s, M-60s, Fairbairn-Sykes, Falcon 2s, Callisto-NTGs, and grenades. At the bottom of the box, lay 4 DY357-LX magnums. 

The three Natalias took one each, and Kail grabbed one, too. Palicide found a huge chain gun, and with the help of himself, set it up and pointed at the door. The rest turned to the door, and cocked their weapons. Slowly, it opened, and once they saw the first guard, they let loose a hail of bullets, mowing down everyone in the room. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

control room 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Kane was watching the Earth spin slowly, and wondered how people said it spun so fast, and it took 24 hours.(I never said he was a rocket scientist)

He took a sip of coffee, then turned towards his computer monitor and spit it up again. He saw 3 Bonds, 3 Natalias, 1 KANG, 1 Kail, and 2 of some guy.

He also saw them tearing up the room. He spun around, spilling coffee, and hit the alarm. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the smoke cleared, they stepped out. Palicide X2 carried out the chain gun, as it still had 500 rounds plus 2 more 1500 round clips. They ran towards the elevator(De Ja Vu) as more guards came in through the other entrances. One Shock Trooper shot the door of the elevator, welding it shut.

Palicide(prime) went to help open it, and handed Natalia his Callisto-NTG, 

telling her to hold them off. "I'm not using this! I hate guns!" 

Suddenly, a laser hit her hair, burning several strands off. "My hair?

He shot my hair!!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!" She took a few steps towards them, and fired wildly across the room, from one end to the other. 

"YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, ASSHOLE????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

After the smoke, cleared, all the troops lay dead on the floor.

Palicide ran back to her, then gasped in shock. 

"Holy Shit!" She blew the smoking barrel, then turned to him. "How was that?" As thy talked, KANG walked up to them. Palicide answered her.

"Not...not bad...for a girl." Then KANG said. "That was good for Rambo!"

Then Natalia said. "Lets blow this joint!" More guards kept coming, and KANG and Natalia-pastpast held them off. The elevator finally opened, and the krew jumped in. They called for KANG and Natalia. "Come on! Hurry!"

As those two ran, One shock trooper fired his high powered magnum at KANG, hitting him in the head. KANG's head blew up and chunks of brains

and eyeballs flew at the elevator. The other Natalia that was running with him was also shot in the back, killing her. As she hit the ground, her magnum flew forwards and went into the elevator. When it hit the ground, it went off and fired a shot upwards. The bullet went up James Bond-pastpast's nose, causing his head to explode and get guts on the ceiling. (eeewww...)

END OF CHAPTER 22!! (NOTE: the Natalia that died wasn't the same one that did the Rambo thing. the Natalia that did the Rambo scene is Natalia prime.)

CH 23: De Ja Vu. 

****

Sauveur Saint, again, in the P. D. core. Again. 12 hrs, 3 min.

After all that happened, Bond-Prime did a body count. The remaining people 

were, 2 Natalias, 2 Palicides, 2 James Bonds, 1 Kail, and 0 KANGs.

So, now they have seven people. They had been in the core for about 25 minutes, and had shoot-outs with the occasional guards. The Natalias had been typing away, While Bond, Palicide, Palicide, and Bond guarded the room. Kail was also typing away at something on a laptop he found somewhere. Bond snuck a quick peek, and saw something about a last will and testament, but he wouldn't know anything about that. Bond had sent a transmission to the U.S. president Bill Clinton III, telling him to avoid sending the nuke until the last possible minute. At first, he said no, but Bond told him that Natalia wouldn't mind getting dirty with him. You know he said "OK!!" after hearing that. Finally, the Natalias had hacked into the mainframe, but unfortunately, the alarm, silent for so long, began screaming again. The guards came in in huge numbers, and Bond, Bond, and Co had to retreat behind another coupling. (Sigh, again)

This time, they surrendered immediately, to avoid any more fatalities.

But before they did, they put some inconspicuous items in their pockets.

(I.E. acid pen, laser watch(on wrist) explosive cufflinks.) The guards knocked them all out, But hit Kail twice cause there was only one of him. They didn't want him to feel left out. 

~~~A long time later~~~~

In the jail cell, they discussed how they would get out of here. Both Natalias, having done this already, stood up and walked to the bars. The guard, who had been trying to ignore the fact that there were two of each of these people, 

turned towards Natalia and saw their breasts, again. He ran up to her, saying

"Mommy!" again. This time Palicide wanted some action, so he reached out and bashed that guys face in, grabbed his shirt, then pulled him in and SMACK! hit his face on the bars. They checked their watches, SHIT!

They've been in jail for 4 hours! They recollected their weapons and snuck out into the hall. Every now and then, they would find a "Countdown to the end" clock, the most recent one being at 7 hrs and 42 min. This time, the Krew decided to go to the bridge and take Kane head on there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in the Cargo hold 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unbeknownst to our heroes, and even to the Author, something strange was happening to KANG's body. It began to twitch wildy, and chunks that had been blown away began recollecting twards his head. The body stood up while more and more material came together. It began to slowly walk towards 

Kane's elite star fighter, the second strongest craft, next to the 'Holy Savior' herself.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~

our Heroes

~~~~~~~~~~~~

They have been wandering for 30 minutes or so, they haven't a clue where the bridge was. All they knew is, the bridge is the highest point on the craft.

Somehow, they found another staff lounge, this one was different from before,

So it wasn't the same one. Natalia, Palicide, Natalia, and Palicide approached the window. It was a beautiful view. As they watched, the suddenly saw a space craft fly by, and the pilot..... NO! It couldn't be!

Natalia turned to the group and said. "I...I...I just saw KANG in that space ship, piloting it!" Bond jumped up and approached Natalia with a fearful look on his face. "You guys....there's something you should know about KANG...."

Suddenly, a great white light appeared in the ceiling, followed by the singing of angels, and a deity emerged from the light. All the characters gasped.

They had come face-to-face with the Author. "I'll explain, Bond..." 

END OF CHAPTER 23!

CH 24: Didn't See This Coming...

****

Coffee room, Sauveur Saint. Proton Decelerator: 7 hrs, 30 min.

The Author looked like Kail, as he sent Kail to the Earth as it's savior.

Kail is to this God as Jesus is to the Catholic God. We(I) shall call the Author(myself) Big Daddy. He(I? this third person about yourself(myself?) is weird...) looked to Kail and said, "Son, I have sent you to save the Earth. 

I had planned this from the beginning, but what KANG has done is beyond

my control. He is a force that Deities like myself ever tamper with. He is....not of this Earth." They all looked at him with a "Say what?" look on their faces. "KANG is a time-traveling creature from another planet. He was banished from the planet G3-yorkstagliemer, for abusing his time travel powers. The Yorkers, people that live there, took away his powers and sent him to Earth, 5,981 years ago." Still, a 'say what?' expression. Big Daddy read Bond's mind, and answered his question "He came here because they breath Oxygen like you." They all nodded their heads. "He was the one that helped Einstein build the time machine. The old kook never realized it, however, that it was KANG who came back 70 years later. KANG hoped to get his powers back by channeling the energy into himself. When the Earth was threatened, he had to help. He only did for 2 reasons. 1, he can't survive in space and 2, he had to keep the time machine safe. We must rely on Kane to stop him." Suddenly, a loud explosion was heard. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

outside the Holy Savior 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scene pans towards the space craft on a crash course to the Holy Savior,

then zooms in until it reaches KANG. "ZZZZTTT....must-mu-must kill.

Must destroy Kane-zztt-must-crackle- destroy Holy Savior!" in the seat next to him(it?) a device similar to a Nuclear Bomb lay next to him. 

~~~~~~~~~

bridge

~~~~~~~~~

Kane was monitoring his screen when he looked up and spit up his coffee, again. He saw **his** modified star fighter on a crash course towards the Bridge, getting closer and closer. "SHIT!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!! Major Asshole! How far away is that craft?!!" The major checked his readouts, and shouted. "She is 50 miles away from the bow of the ship, and is closing at an enormous rate!"

Kane had a huge decision to make. He could fire the Proton Decelerator

at the craft, disintegrating it. But if he did, it won't be charged up when the time is up. Or, he could activate every automated defense and let loose all hell on it. He choose the latter. "FIRE ON THAT CRAFT!!!! BLOW IT OUT OF THE FUCKING SKY!!!!!!" Every single automated defense pivoted around, and fired simultaneously. KANG, being the skilled pilot he is, avoided nearly all of them. Two different blasts hit the left wing, and blew it off. The craft began spinning wildly towards the Proton Decelerator cannon. One more shot was delivered, and it hit the cock pit. The Nuclear device detonated 15 miles short of the Holy Savior. The initial fire ball didn't hit her, but a huge shock wave came and impacted on the Proton Decelerator, shaking it and causing tremendous explosions. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

in the core of the P.D. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 of the couplings had broken off, and the computer had one huge message in red on it. "WARNING!". The energy sphere in the middle shook wildly, and appeared to be on the verge of self detonation. The rest of the couplings snapped off, and sirens wailed throughout the room. The coor began to crack, and green slime began to ooze out.....

END OF CHAPTER 24!!!!!! 

CH 25! the Ultimate Rip-Off.

****

Sauveur Saint coffee room. 

The lights in the room had all shorted out, and the Krew had been tossed around like Salad, except they have better taste. Big Daddy turned towards the group, being the only person not panicking, and talked to the group.

"Listen, we must get to the bridge, something bad is going to happen..."

He was interrupted by a loud crashing sound, and a eerie message on the intercom. "ZZZtttt-Puny Earth creatures, head my warning!" Kail cursed under his breath, he knew that KANG was weird from the start. 

"I had hoped to destroy the Earth after getting my time traveling powers back. But I don't care anymore, I just want to destroy all of YOU!!!"

They felt the ship rock slightly, then shake roughly. "I give up on helping,

I will destroy this craft the only way I see fit....." They looked out the window, and saw that the ship was turning to Starboard. "I will plow this Sauveur Saint into the ocean, and destroy all of you!!!" Then Big Daddy waved his hands and teleported the group into the bridge. Kane was looking onto the Horizon as the ship began to go head long into the Earth. He turned around and was surprised to see the Krew standing in this room. But spoke to everyone in the room. "The once proud Sauveur Saint is on a crash course to the planet. It will impact on the Earth in 3 hours.... You all have permission to abandon ship..." All the personnel just sat there, staring at him in disbelief.

Kane finally got pissed, and pulled a revolver out of his shirt and fired 2 shots at the roof. Then everyone ran out screaming thinking he had finally lost it.

The only people left in there now was Kane and the Krew, but God wasn't there. Kane sighed and looked at Bond. "Well, what do we do now?"

Bond(prime) stepped forward, but Kail beat him to the catch. "Kane, how about this. You and I engage each other in Mortal Combat, and battle it out until there is 1 clear cut victor, and then help each other for a mutual benefit,

like not dying?" Kane pondered this for a moment, then agreed. "OK, take your weapon of choice!" Kail looked at the walls, which lowered to reveal swords, lightsabers, blunt objects, and really nasty things. Kail approached his wall and took a sword. Kane went to his wall and took something resembling the Green Destiny sword from that movie.... They both walked towards the battle arena, an area that had just appeared in the ground. In the upper floors, more and more people were collecting, whispering things like.

"Look! Master Kane is challenging one of the intruders!" or "Hey, cool!"

The two took a combat position, then rushed at each other. (This part is reeeeeealy hard to describe) Kail swung upwards and Kane deflected it. 

Then the 2 continued to swing, each shot deflected by the other. Then Kane with his sword spun around and hit Kail's sword, once, twice, three times and broke it off 2 feet deep. Kail ran to his side of the room and grabbed a lightsaber. He threw his broken off sword at Kane who leaned back and dodged it. Kane picked up the Revolver and fired a shot at Kail who blocked it with his lightsaber. Kane threw down the gun and went to his side and grabbed a lightsaber. Then Kane ran at Kail and sliced at him, cutting his shirt.(eek!) Then Kail came around from the side and Kane deflected that. 

Then Kane pressed another button on his saber, giving it a double edge. 

He came around from behind to cut Kail's back but he brought his saber

over and behind his back to block it. Then Kane brought the other end around to hit Kail's chest, but he brought his Saber down and deflected that. Then Kail cut Kane's saber in half. He threw his at since it stopped working, but Kail deflected that with his saber. Then he threw his down. Kail picked up the Revolver and fired a shot at Kane. Kane caught the bullet in his hand and did a 360° spin from the force. Then Kail fired 2 more shots at Kane's head and chest. He leaned back and watched the bullets fly over his head. Then Kane laughed. "HAHAHAH! Is that the best you can do?" Kail ran at Kane to engage him in Mortal Combat. They punched and kicked, each shot being deflected by the other. Then a ring popped up around them, resembling the wrestling ring used by the pros. Kail came running at Kane and put his arm out, hitting Kane in the neck and bringing him to the ground. Kail jumped down in an attempt to pile-drive Kane, but he rolled over and dodged the hit. Kane jumped up on the turnbuckle and shouted. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE KANE IS COOKING???!!!!!!" The Audience yelled "WHAT?" Then Kane yelled. "A SOUP OF WHOOP ASS!!!!!" Then he jumped off the turnbuckle and landed on Kail. Then they went to their respective corners. Palicide ran up to Kail and poured water out of a water bottle all over him. Kail said. "I can't do it, I've got nothing left!" Palicide smacked him and said. "Remember the training boy! Use the Schwartz!" Kail jumped up and ran at Kane, he ran past him and bounced off the ropes, and ran at Kane with full force, kneeing him in the balls and head-butting him. Kane hit the ground like a ton of bricks. Then Kail could hear God say. "May the Schwartz be with you, always." He jumped on Kane and pinned him. The ring disappeared and 

Kail and Kane stood up. Kane didn't want to lose, so the picked up the revolver and walked up to Kail, pointing it at him. Kail just smirked and said.

"If you had been paying attention, Kane, you would realize that there are no bullets left in that gun!" Kane said. "What do you mean?" Kail said. 

"There was 2 shots at the roof, 1 at me, 1 at you, 2 at you, 

That's 2+1+1+2!" Kane thought and said. "No, it's 1+2+1+1!" Then Kail.

"No, then it would be 2+1+2+1! Then Kane. "No it's-Ah hell! The point is, there's one bullet left in this gun, and it's going to you!" Then Palicide jumped on Kane and tackled him. Then Palicide said. "All right Kane, now you have to help us!" Then Kail picked up the revolver and said. "I was trying to tell you, Kane, that there are no bullets left in this gun-"BANG!

He pulled the trigger and the bullet hit the rope holding one of the chandeliers. Kail made a confused face, then said. "1...+2...+1+1 is..."

Then the chandelier came crashing down and landed right behind Natalia.

END OF CHAPTER 25!!

CH 26! Satisfying the Ego of Palicide.

****

the Bridge of the Holy Savior. impact countdown. 2 hrs, 35 min. 

The Krew, now with Kane helping them, formulated a plan to stop the Holy Savior. Kane explained to the group. "When I designed her, I had a whacked out scientist guy helping me. Uh, Gerald, I think his name was. After that, he went on to build some sort of am Ark thing. Then he disappeared. think he put in a program to cause my ship to plummet to the Earth. KANG must have activated it! We can stop it, however. The power source in my ship is unique. 

It isn't even Nuclear." Kail gulped. "She uses a bedlam rock power source.

(FYI, the bedlam is a synonym for Chaos, and rock is a synonym for gem for emerald. You figure it out. ;) ) In the core of the power generators, you'll find 4 bedlam rocks. We must disable them." Kail knew what comes next, he too has played Sonic Adventure 2. "We must get to the core, and I know a short cut." Kane turned towards the control panel and brought up a map of the ship. 

Palicide(past) approached it, and immediately saw the short cut. Kane turned towards Palicide. "You do the honors." Palicide pressed a red button. 

Suddenly, a huge Iron ball with spikes came flying down from somewhere in the room and smashed right through the following heroes. (ahem)

Natalia-past and James-past. Luckily, they didn't see it coming and the were making out at the time, so they died happy. Unfortunately, every one else saw that coming, and screamed in horror as blood and guts splattered all over them. All that was left was their shoes and the feet inside them. Palicide made a sly grin, and thought. "That'll teach the bitch to make out with someone else." Palicide(prime) new that his alter self had done that on purpose, but walked up to him and said. "You'll regret that during the wild sex scene at the end of this fic!" Palicide-past gave Palicide a blank expression, which quickly became aghast. He knew what that meant. He turned back to the controls and hit the green button. A wall opened up, revealing a passage. Kane warned the group that "There is plenty of booby-traps worse than that huge metal spike." 

They proceeded into the opening, which hastily shut behind them. Kane had grabbed a few flashlights, since this area had been shut off for several years.

As they traveled deeper into the passage, Kane explained more about the history of the holy Savior. Then Palicide(past), who had been walking in the front, abruptly stopped. Everyone else froze. He said. "Guys, I just stepped on a land mine!" He was trembling with fear. Kane looked at him, then said.

"How fast can you run?" Palicide didn't know what to do. "Help me..."

Kane said in response. "I don't know how." Palicide(prime) approached from the rear. "How about this. Pali, take off your boot, slowly..." All the others moved up ahead, fearing a big explosion. Palicide and Palicide were the only people left in that area. When the others felt they were a safe distance, they watched intently. Palicide(past) took off his boot, revealing a black toe sock( just cause I said so). Palicide(prime) reached into his bag o' stuff, and pulled out a grenade. He put in the boot and the two backed away slowly. When they rejoined the group, Palicide(past) pulled out his Walther PPK and spun around. He fired a shot at the boot, knocking it off the trigger. 

Nothing happened. Palicide-past ran back up there and grabbed his boot, put it back on and ran back to the group. Suddenly, they turned back around. A loud rumbling sound could be heard. Then the roof, fifty feet back, dropped out at an angle and a huge rock ball came rolling after them. They all turned back around and ran as fast as they could towards the next door. As they ran, Palicide's hat flew off his head and got trampled by the rock. He cursed and continued running. Palicide is the second fastest runner amongst the group, and as they ran, he saw a crevice in the wall. He grabbed, uh, himself actually, and pulled the two into the hole, followed closely by Kane, Natalia, Bond, and Kail. They waited a while, but the ball never passed them. 

Kail shrugged. Natalia sighed and kicked to the wall, putting a hole in it and revealing a secret passage. She entered, followed **_very _**closely by Palicide(prime, because past killed his woman.) They had entered another hallway, with a light at the end off the tunnel. They began slowly walking down the tunnel. They heard a familiar rumbling sound, and Natalia saw pivoted on one leg to see non other than. The giant boulder. She looked at it and went. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Then turned around and began a frantic run to the end with Palicide and Palicide following her closely by her side. Kane lead the group. Time again slowed down as they ran, and the speech became garbled. Kail shouted. "hhhhuuuurrrrryyyyy....thhee dooorr iiss clossinggg.!!!" And the door is closing, from one side to the other. 

Now they are 10 yards, 15 yards. will they make it??!! They door is halfway closed and they're 5 yards away. Then Palicide turned towards the boulder, and shouted. "STOP!" It did, whimpered, then ran back to the other end of the tunnel. Palicide honestly didn't think it would work. He had watched many dubbed bugs bunny cartoons, and always wanted to do that. :) 

They jumped threw the door, and entered a room with a huge guy in it. 

He appeared to be frozen. Then, it's eyes opened, and climbed out. 

It's 12 feet tall, a big change over Palicide's 6 foot 5. The creature looked at the two Palicides, conveniently placed in the front of the group, then said. 

"You must defeat me in combat if you wish to enter the core!" The Palicides looked at each other, then turned towards the monster. They pulled off their jackets and shirt, so that they were down to an undershirt and the pants, of course. They both struck a combat pose, then charged at the beast...

END OF CHAPTER 26!!!!! 

hope your happy Pali...

CH 27: Taming the Beast

****

secret area of Holy Savior. Time 'til Impact: 2hrs, 7 min.

The two jumped up at the creature, which had a strange resemblance to 

Cell from DBZ. Palicide(prime) kicked him in the head, then Palicide(past) double punched it in the gut. They continued to pound on the beast, all the while it just stood there, unfazed. Then it grabbed the duo by the head, and smashed them both together. "AAAAHHHHH" blood gushed out of their noses. (now, this is a rip I doubt Palicide will enjoy...oh well) Palicide(past) is getting really pissed, and primo didn't look to happy either. Then they turned to each other, and nodded. They know what I have planned next. They heard faint angelic singing, then 2 earrings dropped from the sky, followed by a stream of subliminal messaging. Palicide(prime) put one on his LEFT ear,

past did the same. suddenly, a bright flash of light is seen, and they both came crashing at each other at a huge velocity. When they hit, there was another bright flash. When it died down, there was only 1 Palicide. Bond looked on, but was very confused. Kail solved this paradox. "I...uh, called "dad" for something useful for them, they are fused together." Then, Palicide, had a strange glow suround him, and his hair turned gold and- NO! This is a rip off of DragonBall Z, not SA2! But, his hair still turned gold, to the dislike of the reader for whom this character was created. Palicide then stretched out one arm, then the other, and floated upwards, slowly. Kail's eyes widened, he had seen the episode where that Vegeta dude got P-Od and and nearly blew the shit to pieces. Worse, Kail is starting to think in Ebonics! He looked around, but found nothing. He reached into his bag.....YES! He had the perfect solution! It was a small capsule that you swallowed. It would give you 30 minutes of space survival powers. He checked his pack, strangely, one was missing... Bah, no time to fret about that. He still had seven. He looked at ever one. Bond, me, Natalia, Kane, and if he comes out of fusion, P&P.

So, six he needs. He told the others about these, and tossed one to each of them. After 5 minutes of Palicide charging up, more for drama then for power, he put his hands forward and together. It looks like a sideways Kamehameha 

wave, if you will. Then, SuperGerman Palicide yelled at the beast, 

"FINAL FLASH!!!!!" And fired his Final Flash attack. The beam hit it like 100 kilotons of concrete, disintegrating it instantly. Then the beam blew a hole right threw the wall, revealing the vacuum of space. The Krew that wasn't charged up held onto whatever they could find. Natalia held onto Palicide.(haha...) The beam went on, at least 700 feet wide, and grazed the United States Capitol, startling Georgy. When the dust got sucked out into space, Palicide took both pills that Kail tossed him, and unfused. He was still in SuperGerman mode, and Natalia couldn't be more delighted. The duo picked up their jackets and shirts, put them back on, and walked easily towards the Krew. He then looked at the twenty foot gapping hole. He grabbed the wall across from it, then ripped it out and put against the hole. 

Then Palicide(past) welded it shut. After all was said and done, Primo turned to the group and said. "Quit lollygagging, we have work to do!" Then the door the beast had been guarding opened up, and they saw the core of the Holy Savior. They all walked in. Then Kane turned to a door at the other end, and jogged towards it. He hit the 'open' button, only to reveal: The Bridge.

"Oh, that's what that door was for!" 

END OF CHAPTER 27!!! 

CH 28! Out of Options

****

The Core. Holy Savior. Time 'til Impact: 1 hour, 27 minutes.

Natalia and Kane are typing away at the consol while Bond and Kail pace around nervously. Palicide & Palicide are trying to figure out how to get out of SuperGerman mode. If you have watched the Dragon Ball Z series, you would know that when a character goes Supersayan, their eyes turn green and the hair sticks up and turns a golden color. Oh, and they get really strong... So far, Palicide(Prime) had changed his eye color from green back to... (Mental Note. Ask Palicide what eye/hair color is...) and Past had restored his hair color back to... Kane had told Natalia that if the Bedlam rocks could be removed, the engines would cut off. He said that he can't stop the impact, but it wont destroy the Earth with the engines cut off. He has projected that the Holy Savior will land on top of Stonehenge. Bond nearly shit a brick when he heard this. Unbeknownst to us, but beknownst to him, James Bond is really Druidic. He and his friends are in a cult. They go there every Saturday and get naked and sacrifice 4 kittens. Kail didn't even know this. Finally, after pondering for a long time, Bond made a plan. "Kane, isn't there a 

self-destruct mechanism in here?" Kane turned around quickly and looked Bond in the eye. They stared for a minute. "Why?" Bond said in response.

"If she blows up in space, then nothing on Earth will blow up!" Kane thought, and said. "Over my dead body!" Then, angelic singing could be heard again, and to rings dropped from the ceiling. One ring went to Kane, the other,

Palicide Prime, who had just gone back into Supergerman from the rings distraction. Palicide could here God say. "you must kill Kane if you want to destroy the ship..." Palicide looked up and said. "Do what?" Then again.

"If you do it...they will come..." Palicide sighed, and put on the ring. Kane did likewise. Then Palicide brought his fists together and pulled them down to activate the ring. The energy blade came out. Again, Kane did the same. 

"So, you have the ring, and see your Schwartz is as big as mine!" Palicide and Kane looked down at where they activated the sword. Then they began to battle. After a minute of dueling, Palicide came around hard onto Kane's Schwartz, once, twice, and the two beams got twisted. "SHIT! I hate when I get my Schwartz twisted!" Then they tried to unravel the swords. Kane put his foot up on Pali's knee, and pushed off. Then the two slowly walked to each other, and began slicing away at the each other. Then Kane tried to cut Palicide in half, but he dodged and Kane sliced open the producer and the microphone used to record the film I will release in a few years. "Ahhh, he did it!" "What?!" Then he tried to slice at Kane's head, but his hardened bald head didn't cut. Then the other side. Same effect. Kane laughed at him. "Ah, hahahahahaha!" Then Palicide punched him in the face. Suddenly, European sirens again wailed throughout the room and a voice came about. "Thank you for hitting the self-destruct button, this ship will destruct in 3 minutes!"

END OF CHAPTER 28!!

CH 29: Escape

****

Bridge of Holy Savior. Self-Destruct time: 2 min, 56 seconds. 

The Krew had just heard the announcement when at the same time the more climatic James Bond theme began playing throughout the ship. Hundreds of people began crowding the bridge, desperate for an escape pod. The Krew ran down to the hanger, where they still had a ship waiting for them. 

Kane had reemerged from the core, and ran up the steps to get to an escape pod. Major Asshole and his cousin accompanied him. Kane reached his escape pod, but was cut off by... THE BEARDED LADY!! "Hey! That's my pod! Do you know who I am?!" She shoved him aside and said. "One of the freaks?" Then she jumped in and blasted off. "GET BACK HERE YOU FAT BEARDED BITCH!!!!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the hanger. countdown. 1 minute. 23 seconds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Krew finally made to the hanger and saw their salvation. A rusty old piece of crap with a name you can barely make out: Eagle 5. Palicide looked at it, and thinking he was the only intelligent person of the group, said out loud. "What the hell? It looks like a Winnebago with wings!" They all piled in and hit the ignition. The engine sputtered and coughed, then died. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

bridge. C.D. 55 seconds. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kane desperately searched for another escape pod, but found none. 

The room was deserted except for himself, the two Assholes, and some guy called Greg. He finally found one, and said to his group. "Well, boys, this is a lovely ship, and I think you should go down with her, farewell!" He ran to it, but was grabbed by Greg and shoved aside, he jumped in shouting, "JACKASS!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hanger. Countdown: 25 seconds. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Krew had finally turned the engine over, and took off. Palicide wondered who's ship they have stolen. He looked at a T-Shirt he found in the back, it said: "You can't spell 'crap' without 'rap'" Palicide sighed, they had stolen a hippie mobile. The doors began closing. The ship passed through, but it scratched the door. The hauled ass out of there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

bridge. 15 seconds

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kane had about given up, then the voice came over the intercom. "15 seconds until detonation, this is your last chance to hit the cancellation button." 

The 3 all turned to eachother. "CANCELLATION BUTTON?!" They all ran down the stairs and found the slot its in. They pulled it open. 'out of order'

Kane shit a brick. "Out of order?" Then Major Asshole said. "FUCK!" 

Kane. "Even in this fic nothing works!" Then the over happy voice came again. "10...9...8...6..." Kane widened his eyes. "SIX? What happened to 7?!"

"5...4...3...2" they all closed their eyes. "...1...have a nice day!" The 3 said.

"Thank you."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!

Crash! Bang! Kablooey!

END OF CHAPTER 29...

CH: 30! Conclusion.

****

The White House.

Inside the conference room, an advisor walked out and said. "Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States, George Bush." George walked out, followed closely by our Krew. :) "Citizens of the Earth, if it had not been for these brave men, and women..." He looked at Natalia, and made a bit of a 

'Damn!' look on his face. "...we would no longer be alive, and The United States wouldn't be able to persecute people that piss me off." George picked up some medals. "I wish to give these brave people the highest honor the U.S. can offer. The Congressional Medal of Honor." Bush then put these around each of the characters necks. First Bond, then Natalia, then Palicide, then Kail, then he came to Palicide again. He looked closely, blinked, then looked at the other Palicide. He just smiled pleasantly. Bush sighed and assumed it was from the heavy drinking he had been doing lately. He put the medal around Palicide's neck. Palicide leaned over to Kail and whispered. 

"Do you think he suspects anything?" Kail looked at him and shook his head 'no'. After the meting, the Krew were allocated a private Jet for the trip back to London. Unbeknownst to the rest of the Krew, Palicide prime had become an official member of the British Secret Service. The fist thing he planned on doing when he gets there is to change his first and middle name. He still is baffled about why his parents had named him "Jacque Cousteau." He had always shrugged it off and assumed it was because they were both raging drunks. Palicide past decided he had had enough adventuring and planned to retire to Hawaii with the hefty sum of money the U.S. government gave him.

~~~~~~~~~~

on the jet

~~~~~~~~~~

Bond and Kail are sitting in the front, playing "clue" on a board game and so far, Kail is winning. He knows it was Colonel Mustard, and he knows it was in the dinning room. He just has to figure out what he used. Bond thinks its Mrs. Peacock. What a moron. Palicide and Natalia had retired to the back of the plane. In the PRIVATE bedroom, with the door locked! (Now, should I or should I not make this last chapter NC-17?) The two slowly undressed, playing cat and mouse. Then they embraced and....

Back in the main cabin, Bond and Kail had given up on clue and went to the back. They had both grabbed some glasses from the bar, and were listening intently. It started out pretty quiet. Then Kail dug around in his bag of stuff, and found a noise amplifier thingy. Now it was VERY clear. hahahahaha!

They could hear a groaning sound, then something that resembled sandpaper on wood. Then they heard the toilet flush. Then they a loud ROAR! 

Then they heard a quiet yes, which hissed out to nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~

runway

~~~~~~~~~

The Jet came to a stop, and Kail and Bond, who had been sleeping on a couch, were abruptly awoken. Then the door opened. out walked Palicide,

his hat tipped over on one side and his belt still not fastened, and looking like he hadn't shaved in a week, he also had huge circles under his eyes. Natalia came out looking tired and hungry. Bond and Kail tried to stifle their laughter, but burst out loudly. 

~~~~~~

MI6

~~~~~~

Bond and Krew had finally gotten back to M's office, after such a long mission. They all sat down at her desk, and she sat up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The scene begins looking over the Placid waters, then pans upwards. A chunk of the Holy Savior came crashing down, then splashed into the water. This is the front of the ship, a 300 foot long slab. At the tip, you can see the Proton Decelerator's once menacing tip. The scene zooms even closer to it. 

Chunks of flesh and blood begin coming together on this point. It begins building up, first feet, then the legs, and finally, the head. When it had finally finished, KANG was standing there, butt naked...

~~~~~~~~

MI6

~~~~~~~~

M poured the Krew some Cognac. It had finally been reduced to three. Bond, Kail, and Palicide. She stood up, and began speaking. "Bond, Kail, Palicide, Great job on the Kane operation. His entire fanatical order has been destroyed. Now, I have a new assignment for you......"

THE END!

Now you must hum slow dramatic music while you read the final credits.

Produced and Directed by: Captain Kail

Cast:

James Bond: Pierce Brosnan

John Kail: Captain Kail

Kane: Yul Brynner

KANG: himself

Natalia: Izabella Scorupio 

Palicide: Mel Gibson

Tobius as Carrey Wacca

Judi Dench as

"M"

Desmond Lleweland as

"Q"

Samantha Bond as

Miss Moneypenny.

James Bond will return... 


End file.
